I saw a therapist and psychiatrist today. That bipolar diagnosis I got when I was 12 was wrong. At 31 I noticed that my symptoms of Bipolar only fit on the downs. Up to this point I figured since it’s been my whole life that there was no getting better. I would spend every day wanting to die. I was wrong.
I fit into Border Line Personality Disorder. Upside, it’s curable, it’s not hereditary, there are multiple types of support. The way it was described is that when I was a kid going through hell I had to be able to switch my emotions and personality traits on a dime. It was abuse 24/7. I remember shutting my emotions off and refusing to cry when it was time for my beatings and such. This was my defense mechanism. It worked great as a child. As an adult it’s not. I can’t regulate my emotions and I am defensive all the time. I’m depressed. I have minimal friends and it has affected me professionally.
This is not multiple personalities. I don’t hear voices other than my own thoughts. For once I feel hopefully that I can get to the root of my depression. I don’t want to feel hopeless everyday.