Waking the Demon

Harry and myself seem to have gotten over the worst of whatever he caught! He even had conjunctivitis and had to have drops four times a day…which of course I couldn’t manage as Harry would go bonkers. Luckily the doses I managed to get in and also the ones Will said he managed to get in too when Harry had an overnight at Will’s parent’s house seem to have been enough to clear the conjunctivitis up. I caught it too from Harry! But I didn’t go to the doctors or use Harry’s drops…just didn’t wear any make-up for several days and it seems to have cleared up on its own. Harry made it to nursery both times this week and I also took him to his usual groups on the Monday & Wednesday. Harry still wasn’t 100% for any of these things and his behaviour has been very challenging. His eating has gone completely downhill, he was eating quite well but now literally tries to live on Belvita breakfast biscuits if he can! That and cheese. He seems to have gone off fruit too but most days manages an apple. Urgh, I don’t know what to do with his eating…he knows how to ask for his belvita, apple & cheese now and always says no when you offer him anything else…he’s very stubborn!

Things actually haven’t been that great with Harry…everything is fine really it’s just…urgh I don’t know. Last weekend I took too much of something, I don’t know whether it was the paracetamol or the Sudafed nasal spray but I remember being terrified that it was the paracetamol. I felt so ill and sick and the worst thing was I couldn’t look after Harry. I argued with my mum so much that day who also has caught the cold Harry gave me. She thankfully wasn’t as ill as me that day but I felt so sick that I messaged Will to see if he and his parents could have Harry for the day. Will didn’t notice the message until I’d argued with my mum to death and she’d cancelled her plans of going out with her friend and looked after Harry for me. I went straight to bed and I felt thoroughly awful, it was frightening. Thankfully though by half one in the afternoon I started to feel much better and I came downstairs to carry on looking after Harry as normal. I know it was only basically half the day but I felt really guilty that my mum had to cancel her plans and I felt guilty I was unable to look after Harry that half a day. My mum and I argued a lot that morning about it and I know it’s just that she stresses easy since her battle with cancer but at the time I felt too weak to argue back. I didn’t mean to over-do it on any medication, I was taking whatever I could to keep on top of my cold so I was just about ok to carry on looking after Harry as he was really ill with it. He was sleeping in my bed with me and he woke up a few times a night and I think that’s when I’d stumble and take more medication to help with my own cold without keeping track that I’d probably had my full dosage during the day. I honestly didn’t mean to overdose on anything, it was a complete accident.

My mum got increasingly worse with her cold (she was ill before that Saturday anyway when I accidently over-did it on some medication) and it seemed to be making her condition with her oesophagus even worse than it usually is anyway. The chemotherapy treatment she received did a bit of damage to her nervous system so now her oesophagus doesn’t function normally and she struggles to eat all the time. Obviously this cold had the sore throat and bad cough symptoms so that definitely must have made my mum’s condition 1000 times worse. So my father and I have been in lots of nasty exchanges with my mum. My dad is much better and not reacting than I am (he doesn’t have Borderline Personality Disorder lol) but even he ends up retaliating badly. I try my best not to react to my mum but I fail miserably every time and I hate myself for it…and only two days ago we had a nasty one and my mum stormed off upstairs saying she was sick of the way my dad and me treat her, like a servant. I get so upset as it’s such an unfair thing to say. My dad and me do the shopping and I do the washing for the entire household and empty bins and sort my own recycling out and rinse plates and clean floors and URGH I look after Harry too on top of it all. My parents never have to buy things for him or get him dressed in the mornings or drive or anywhere or sort out his medication with the pharmacy and doctors, they never have to do his washing- I do everything I honestly do! Urgh it’s just all three of us have had difficult illnesses and we had all caught Harry’s cold and tensions were running much higher than they do already but…the whole thing has left me feeling bad.

I haven’t had much patience with Harry because I’ve felt so ill with whatever I caught off him and I know that’s understandable but it’s made me feel horribly guilty. I am horrible, I’m a horrible person and a horrible mum too, I know it. And I HATE that I know it. The day I had that bad conflict with my mum and she stormed upstairs I ended up taking 6mg worth of lorazepam. Things with her have still been difficult so last night I took two of my dad’s zopiclone tablets. Harry now sleeps in his own room now btw…I don’t know whether it was because of that overnight with his dad where he was really ill at the same time and has since been having some extreme issues with going to sleep back here…but in a strange way it’s worked out for the best in the sense of Harry sleeping in his own room. My dad converted Harry’s cot into the bed it could be…when I bought the cot it said it was a cot bed and I remember thinking that was good, kind of a two in one! When my dad put it as the cot bed I did it up with Harry’s things and his bedding and he did notice all this and became more interested in his bed. But that overnight with Will and his terrible cold seem to have led him to sleep in his cot bed now. It is a good thing…what I feel guilty about is the next night after he spent his first night in his cot bed he did try to settle with me but he just would not go to sleep. He was wriggling and fidgeting endlessly and poking me in the face and fiddling with my hair and clothes and I eventually got fed up. I said I was taking him to his cot bed and he began to retaliate as I carried him to his room. Even though Harry doesn’t eat well he’s still over two and a half and is quite a weight. I couldn’t cope with how he was trying to wriggle out of my grasp but I wanted to keep hold of him. We both went crashing to the floor and neither of us were seriously injured but the whole thing made Harry cry. I’d hurt one of my knees and was on the floor in pain but so was poor Harry and that’s how my mum found us. I can’t believe I fell over holding Harry. I know he was trying to get out of my grasp but it scared me and I hate that I wasn’t strong enough to keep us both up in the air! Harry didn’t want me to hold him or have me near him and I felt really bad…I understood why but it was an accident. My parents had to be with him downstairs. My dad told me to stay upstairs and calm down with a film which I did do, but half way through the film I fell asleep. The next day I found Harry had slept in his cot bed again but my parents told me he was extremely difficult and cried till midnight. Even more guilt for falling asleep…but Harry didn’t want me near him anyway after we both fell over 🙁

How did this entry get so long? Once I start writing it just all flows out of me. I just wanted to check in and say things weren’t good and well nothing has been good…but at least Harry, myself and my mum have gotten over the worst of this cold. I think that’s what’s caused even more shit than usual, whatever virus Harry brought home from nursery was an absolutely horrid one. I still haven’t been very well in myself…all the accidents I’ve had show how distracted my mind is because I haven’t been well…forgetting to put the hand break on my car, accidently taking too much medication to treat my cold…maybe even falling over holding Harry…my mind is just too frantic and distracted. I haven’t weighed myself for days but I’m still not eating well at all. Harry’s having his overnight with his dad tonight rather than Saturday…the entry describing that particular argument is on here obviously lol but at least there was a solution. I am enjoying my break from Harry because looking after him when he’s ill when I’m ill too and can’t really rest because I’m looking after Harry is extremely wearing.

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