bad boy down.

today was okay. i started the anti-depressants last night, so my mouth has been really dry all day. i hate it. i know i shouldn’t expect to be better after one pill but i was so anxious today. at one point my heart was actually hurting because i was so anxious. to be honest, i just wanna quit creative writing already because i think it’ll stop some of the anxiety. it sucks because i really want to be able to take the class, and i want to improve my writing, but god it’s so stressful. mireil would be sad if i quit, but i’d have to tell her that my anxiety and depression has been the worst it’s ever been for the past few months, and i just can’t take the class. 

i feel so stupid for this. it’s like every five minutes i start freaking out over homework when people like maya have piles of shit to do each day. i just fucking hate it. nadia doesn’t even try to comfort me anymore, i’m just a broken record. i know she has more depression than anxiety, but i’d still like a little more, you know? i don’t wanna mention it though.

and last night i talked to marie about her being weird whenever i mention girls. she basically told me she doesn’t like that i’m gay and she doesn’t support me. honestly, i shouldn’t known. i don’t think i’ll ever mention it to her again. god, it’s like she thinks i myself don’t have problems with it. not because i think i could go to hell, i don’t really give a shit because i don’t even think it’s real. it’s just that life would be ten times easier if i were straight. i could tell my mom about a boy i found cute, or a boy that i had a crush on. but nope. i have all these thoughts and emotions that i can never express because my family hates me for who i am. though, i don’t think i want to be straight. it’d just be easier if i were.

anyways, today aunt denise, uncle jack, noelle, and jordan came over. david was supposed to too but he had to work. it was fun. though i wasn’t really feeling the happiest so i just stuck with mom and aunt denise while everyone else went downstairs to play pool and darts. teddy and ally were annoying for like thirty minute before they calmed down. i think everyone started to like teddy towards the end, really. everyone does eventually. 

i’m so damn tired though. i don’t want to go to church tomorrow but i have to. there’s a superbowl party tomorrow night, but i’m not sure if we’re going. probably not, by the looks of it. mom wants to stay after service for the carry-in dinner but i really don’t want to. i grew up a nazarene. we take naps after church, bitch. 

eh, i’m out. おやすみなさい.

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