The Devil’s Back

I’ve had such a fucked up day to myself. No one has a clue or will ever know how I have felt today, urgh. I am struggling but I’m just feeling so ashamed of myself. I haven’t taken any lorazepam the past two days but my appetite has completely disappeared again. No wait I am hungry I just don’t fancy anything and can’t be bothered to eat much. It’s frustrating and most of my clothes no longer fit me…I swore to myself I’d never be so skinny again but look what has happened. Surely I can try harder than this? When I wrote here last I spoke of taking a couple of my dad’s zopiclone tablets well in that medication haze late at night I ordered a heap of things for Harry on amazon and most of it I don’t even know why I bought for him! Some items I don’t even remember clicking on to buy. I got the e-mails from Amazon in the morning and I tried to cancel most of the orders but I got another e-mail from Amazon some hours later saying they couldn’t cancel my orders as they had already been shipped and most of them actually arrived this morning.

I wish I’d stop feeling so sorry for myself, I wish I hadn’t bought all that medication, I wish I hadn’t wasted my teenage years on self harm and mental health hospitals, I wish I had my own place with my son, I wish I’d gone to university, I wish I’d had a job, I wish I wasn’t so consumed with my past and all these things I can’t change. I need to focus on my son, he needs me, I need to look after him and I will. I got a tattoo for him a couple of weeks ago, I will post a picture soon…it’s a shooting star with his name and his birthdate coming off the tendrils that come from the main star…it’s hard to describe so I will post a picture…it’s already healed and it’s really nice…I look at it in the mirror and it reminds me why I have to try harder to be well.

I am not behaving like a 29 year old mum should behave, I’m behaving like that fucked up teenager I used to be and it’s just not good enough. Maybe I should see my GP and ask for an increase in my Mirtazapine…I just don’t want them asking any questions…I don’t want to say I’m not feeling well and all the stupid, reckless things I’ve been doing in my medication, spending and eating habits. But I want to feel better, I want to want to eat properly again…

My son being a baby and breastfeeding him definitely centred my attentions for a while…but breast feeding was getting too uncomfortable for me, Harry would either bite or tickle really bad and I was getting so frustrated at it…but at least I couldn’t abuse any benzos. Urgh, Will and his parents are dropping Harry back here at 4pm and I have a massive headache. I have anticipated Harry’s behaviour will be difficult when he returns so I had a shower this morning…he probably will be difficult tonight. Harry has been invited to a birthday party tomorrow at midday and I’ve had the invitation on my pin board for a few days…I drove to find the place today on my own and I eventually trusted my phone and found it…don’t know where the hell I am going to be able to park but at least tomorrow will be a Sunday and the roads won’t be so busy. I am dreading this birthday party even though it’s only two hours long. I am NOT good mixing with other people, it’s a skill that seemed to diminish and disappear completely during my last inpatient stay at Whitchurch hospital…so yeah social skills take a year and eight months to lose I guess. I will take Harry to this party I know I will I am just dreading it and my anxiety about it is horrible. It’s good for Harry to go so I definitely will manage and take him I just don’t know how I’ll manage exactly.


3 thoughts on “The Devil’s Back”

  1. Being a mom and managing mental health issues have been one of my hardest journeys. My son is 5. When I don’t have I have to spend time at support groups or work. When he was young and it felt like too much I had to find ways to calm him. He would come home from his dad’s He having badly and I would break down. You are not alone. Some communities have free emergency nurseries to help if it’s too much. You are not alone. The whole reason I right through every day is for my boy. It gets easier as they get older, but I still struggle. I try to remember tgat my son d oesnt know my past or my failures. To our kids we are their world. To him you are perfect. He will love you unconditionally. Hang in there.

  2. Rogue!! I am so happy to read something about you. I was blocked off of here for 3 weeks, some technicality. I’m excited to see the pic of the tattoo you got for Harry, when you post it. The girl who left a comment for you had really good stuff to say—true stuff. You are everything to Harry. And because he’s a boy, he will always love his Mama. I had a daughter and I was a mess sometimes, mentally. She is almost 40 now. She accepts me; but I watch her boys (teens) they adore her. You are a wonderful mom. I’m glad you’re taking Harry to the party—I can imagine it’s very scary to think about being around other people. You’ll do fine, sweetie. Just nod and smile. LOL Seriously, though, I’m so glad to hear about your life. Do try to eat better and more. Try some Ensure or Slim-fast, they are very nutritious. Take care of the wonderful, fragile but strong person you are. I think you are wonderful ! God bless !you!

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