I’ll admit… I have been antsy to write in my journal. My internet has been down off and on for a week. Now, all of the sudden it is working perfectly. I loathe talking with tech support when I was convinced that the problem was on my end. I’m also kinda antsy because my kids said that they were going to try and call me today. I really hope that they are able to. People tell me to allow time for me to adjust to this new life. Am I really having trouble adjusting?? Or is it because I do not want to adjust?? The answer could very well be both of those. I really do not know if I will ever make a conscious effort to let go. I was telling my mom that the most contentment I get is when I reminisce about all of the time spent together as a family. Every little thing I see brings back memories. Heck, even cleaning the house every once in a while I find one of her hairs, lol. I know that it seems strange but it makes me think of her beautiful face with chubby cheeks. I would like to think that no person could ever love her the way that I do. I know that she feels differently. I know that the hurt that I caused her has her believing that the best is yet to come. I do not have any of those feelings. I do not see any positive things in my future w/out my family. I am starting to feel good things about myself and this new adventure of bettering myself because of how stagnant I feel. I always hear people saying that it is never too late to begin the journey of bettering ones self. I would be dishonoring Gods character If I was doubtful about getting my family back. I DO believe in miracles. But, not gonna lie……. even the most positive people will say how doubtful my situation looks because of things that my bride has said and/or done. I do have responses of faith. I say things like “she is just doing what she thinks is necessary” or “things have to appear dismal for Gods big miracle”. Whenever God performs miracles it always looks impossible. If I get my family back I will forever give the praise and glory to God because it doesn’t look possible with human eyes. I told mom the other day that this is definitely a “Lazarus” situation. She asked how so? I said because Jesus waiting until he was dead and stinking before he raised him from the dead. If he was just real sick or dead for a couple hours then people may have attributed it to natural healing. I know for a fact that 2 things would have to transpire first(in the natural). #1 My life/attitude/faith has to align with what she would desire of me. #2 she would have to have a complete internal healing of all her offenses towards me. The thing that I am happy to declare is I do not have offenses towards her that consume me. I have thoughts every now and then. But most of me is consumed by how wonderful she is. Most people wouldn’t give credit to someone who has hurt them or despises them. However, I am in a situation where I take the blame. I CANNOT put blame on her. It would be easy but it is not healthy. The man that she desires would not force blame on her. My heavenly father would not agree with me putting blame on my bride. I have made my fair share of mistakes. Even just today….. I caught myself building my wife up to someone. I told them about how much of an amazing mother she is and how awesome she was as a wife. She must accept that some of the bad things that I did to her was not on her shoulders. I was the one who misconceived her. I was the one who chose offenses over forgiveness. I was waiting for her to express some undying love to me but she just could not do it because of my actions and embarrassment. I do not want my testimony to be that my family left, I worked my way through depression in order to make positive adjustments in my life in order to be a better person for me and my children. All of that is great however I want my wife to be a part of my testimony. I want us to be able to stand in front of a church together during a cardboard testimony and give glory to God together for restoration of our marriage. Speaking for myself……. I could enter into a new healthy relationship with my wife and bear no offenses. I feel very confident about that. I thank the lord for giving me a forgiving heart. Maybe I can finally let go if this divorce really happens. I would be careful to say that I could ever get over her. Mr. Jones sang a lot about loving a woman until death. The only difference is that he never sang anything about putting effort into getting her back. He only sang about being drawn further into depression and despair. Like I said before…… I hope that one day she tells me “thank you” for not erasing her completely from my life. On a positive note…… my kids called while I was typing this!!! All is good except my little princess is feeling ill. She said that her mom is not feeling so well either. They will be in my prayers tonight. I love them both. Get well soon beautiful girls!!!