Sunday February 4th

I went to school and worked some today. Not much- just put some stuff up on my door and finished the last page I needed for the kids vocabulary for this week. I still need to iron all my clothes. Ugh. I dread it. My mother just called and I got mad- she said that they don’t watch the NFL anymore. I hate it when she “takes a stand’ on an issue that she doesn’t even understand. It makes me so angry. I hate all those white people living in that little hillbilly town thinking they are so right and just. I really hate them. They have no fucking clue. They think they are so much better than everyone else because they say the pledge and pray before ballgames. What a bunch of fucking idiots. Yeah, they pray and then they all go fuck around on their spouses. I hate that place so much. So much stupid in one place. 

John and I drove by one of the houses I liked on LBAR today after we left school. I didn’t like it as much in person as I did online. The front yard looked flatter in the pictures. I don’t really like the master bedroom has double doors, either. Not a problem, though, since I am months away from being able to actually buy a house. 

I hate being poor. I hate it. If I had money, I would have such a different life. It’s so unfair how easy some people have it. They can be dumb, assholes, etc., but everything good happens to them. I am smart, I’m a hard worker, I’m a good person, but I always have shitty things happen to me. It just doesn’t seem fair. Why does nothing ever go my way? I had a nightmare of  a childhood, I’m screwed up because of it, I am alone- no husband, no boyfriend- not even a second date in years, not even a first date in months. You would think that something good would happen to me just because eventually the bad would have to run out. But nope. There’s always more bad. Bad after bad. I am alone. I have nothing. My own children don’t care if they see me or not. My sister hates me- or at least pretends like I don’t exist. My mother is a pain in the ass- has serious fucking issues and is the only person that can make me mad. My ex-husband is overweight and alone, and even though I’m still the same size I was when he married me 21 years ago and smart and have a good job with a retirement, he’d rather have no one as to have me. What is so bad about me that no one loves me? My whole life I’ve been trying to be someone’s favorite- I’ve been trying to be the person someone loves best- my parents, my kids, my “friends”, everyone- I’ve always just wanted to be someone’s favorite. I’ve always wanted to have a boyfriend that loved me best- my kids that would fight someone that said something about me, just be someone’s best friend- someone’s favorite- I have never been. I have always just been an extra- a hanger on. The friend that everyone forgets to invite.  That’s why it’s so easy for me to sink into suicide mode. When no one loves you the most, it’s easy to feel like you don’t matter. My sister was my dad’s favorite. My brother is my mother’s favorite. So where does that leave me? I just want to be someone’s favorite. 

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