It’s worrying to think that I may be falling in love. Love was never really hard for me before. Basically I feel affection and love for everyone. I treat everyone as if they were my lover- except I don’t go around kissing people or having sex. But I call everyone petnames and listen to their problems. Maybe that’s a normal friend thing but I’m the only one in my school that seems to do it. Anyways, it’s not that easy though. I have many online friends and I think it’s her. I really like her and it bugs me when she talks to fondly of other people. Lately she keeps talking about this girl named Van but this girl had once called me so many bad things. Maybe that’s why it bugs me so much? I just worry about her so much. But that’s not all, it would be simple if that’s all. I might be dating someone else online? Which is complicated because we don’t really act like a couple, which may be because of it being online. It’s just strange but I’m called a girlfriend but it doesn’t really feel like I am one. I talked to Sachi (the girl I might like) and asked her to stop talking to me about Van for a little while because I was still upset from when Van called me a bitch. I think I upset Sachi there for a while and I feel guilty about it. She said she didn’t want to hurt me on accident…but I don’t want her to have to sensor herself too much. Because her being bubbly and excitable is adorable, in my opinion. Still, I don’t want to worry her too much..
Theater has been hard to. There’s this girl named Lizzy. Last year Lizzy was mean to me. Earlier this year she said she was sorry and wanted to be friends and I stupidly agreed. I found out the entire time she was talking crap about me. It hurt and I started hanging out with Brook instead. (Brook is a girl that is called a slut around school but idk. She used to be Ian’s girlfriend but Lizzy ruined that too. Because Lizzy is controlling and has a boyfriend but is after Ian anyways). This is all so highschool and I hate it so much but last week I was told she feels guilty that I began to hang out with Brook. She should after all the shit she’s done to me and honestly it’s just disgusting. Lizzy keeps trying to act like my friend- getting mad when I don’t say hi in the hallway or when I ignore her. It’s best to ignore her but she just doesn’t get the memo I suppose. I’m not a very direct person so it’s kind of hard to confront her about it.
I think my emotions are getting a little out of hand. I promised a friend I would try to be more happy, because she is such a positive person. It seems the more I try though the more it fails. I’ve been having this anxiety wrapped in coils in my throat and chest. It aches like a deep and raw ache- I don’t know how normal that is. But it’s there. I tried to shut people out, promise not to talk to them about it. But the more I try to keep it in the more it bursts out. I think one of my friends irl has taken notice of how sad I am. The other day he kept ruffling my hair and messing with me. Like a distraction. It worked but I don’t know if that was his real plan. Maybe he is just happier these days? He gave me a hug at theater practice but I was more worried his girlfriend would see and scream at me again (more about this when I talk about my friends). Sachi suggested I keep a journal to help me out. It’s kinda working I guess. It’s nice to ramble. Hopefully it works in the longrun. I’m doing this for her afterall.
So about my friends yeah? Things seem suffocating lately. I don’t think I’m meeting everyone’s standards of me. My school counsellor got upset that I had an A- at the end of the semester last year and will be mad if it gets lower. Which kinda seems unfair because an A- is a very good grade in most cases but now I just see it as a failure. So while things seem suffocating, they also feel very empty and alone. I think all of my friends are drifting away. Claudia is mad about me because I might steal Allen away (um no.). Lara and Victoria were always close with me but I may have messed some things up to make them curt and annoyed with me. Heidi was always distant. Lizzy was an ass. It feels so lonely, like I’m alone. It hurts so much some days. Other days I feel nothing at all. Most days it feels like no one would care if I disappear out of existance. But I don’t want to die or leave because of my little brother George. I was told that he’s missed me since I came to live with my dad. I left a blanket at my mom’s house before and he’s adopted it as his own. He takes it to daycare with him every morning and sleeps with it. I feel like such a failure as an older sister. I miss seeing him every day. I want to be a better person.
A better person. A better sister. I’m tired of hating how I look. I’m tired of not meeting standards people set for me. I want to be me and just me, but likeable I guess. I want to see my brother on the daily and I want to be happy. Not confused and sad like I am right now. I miss being content with life. It feels like my own life is slipping away between my fingers.