First time.

This is my first time to write. I have been trying to find a way I can write without anybody knowing me. I want to express myself and write about things that I think about or go through without my family or friends knowing. It’s a great stress reliever. Oh, and I’m not that interesting so I don’t care what anybody thinks when they read this. This is just for me. I’m not going to post anything that will reveal my identity. This blog thing or journal thing is not going to be perfect. I’m going to spell things wrong and probably not make since half the time. So, please don’t correct me.😉

Sometimes I feel lost. I get really depressed and I can’t control it. I’m married with two beautiful babies. They are gorgeous. One boy one girl. Both have blonde hair and blues eyes. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years. We got together in 2008. I was right out of high school and my boyfriend just dumped me for my best friend. Yeah asshole I know. I was so in love with him. I guess that’s what all the little girls said when they were that young. But I was dumb. Lol. He wasn’t anything. I can say that now because I’m older and know better. Back to my husband. He is great. He cooks and cleans and does his own laundry. Perfect right. I know. And sometimes I feel I don’t deserve him. He does so much for me. My son just turned 4. He has been Diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. My husband takes all the calls from the school and doctor because he knows how much it upsets me when I have to deal with it. I just cry and get really distant. It hurts me every time we have to deal with this curse. My son is sweet. He has never been aggressive towards me or my husband. Just school teachers or daycare teacher. I have no idea why. I guess because he knows I will tear his ass up if he ever tired to hit me. And I guess that’s why he does it at school because he knows they can’t do anything. I just want my son to be normal. I feel like we are raising a psychopath that’s going to grow up crazy. He is medicated and going to therapy. I just feel like it is not working. We have tried everything! I hope he gets better. Maybe him getting older he will understand he can’t do things like this and it will just snap for him. Ha! I feel like that is a load of shit. But a girl can hope.

I’m still debating if I’m going to actually post this public. Well I guess if you’re reading this it is public. Do you ever just wish you can just leave one day and never look back. Start a whole new life. I can do it. Just pack a bag one day and leave. Where would I go. I have always wanted to go to Florida. Naaa to hot. Colorado! I went once when I was younger. My mom would go on these crazy trips where we would just drive until we seen snow. We just drove. No plan. Just drove north. We would pop a tent at these state parks we would find and sleep and then pack up and drive more. The first time we went. We ended up in Criple Creek Colorado. It was beautiful. It is a town in the middle of the mountains. The drive up the mountain was a blast. My mom was freaking out the whole time. We kept telling her look!! And she would say quiet I’m driving. I can’t concentrate!! I’m trying not to kill us!! Haha it was so funny. This town was little. It is a gambling town full of old people lol. That is one of my happy memories. Me and my mom argued all the time. Now since I’m older we get along a little. I have gotten to the point where my mom would get going on me and I would ignore it or tell her to hush. Now before you start judging me and giving me the story of she is your mom. You need to cherish her because she is not going to be around for long. I know. I know. But you don’t know my mom. She is a lot to handle. She is depressed and has break downs often because she doesn’t let things go. My dad left her when I just graduated high school. And she was angry. And still is sometimes. And for a long time she would bad mouth him in front of me until I just blew up! I was pregnant at the time. And I just picked her up. C ant remeber where we were going but she started and I screamed I’m done. Now more. The pregnant hormones were racing! I pulled that car around and dropped her right back off at her house. I told her I’m not doing it today. My dad is a wonderful dad but a horrible husband. He was so unhappy. Like I said my mom is a lot to handle and after almost 25 years he said he was done. He just packed and left before my mom came home. It was bad. He left in the most worse way possible. At this point they have been through marriage counseling and everything in between. He was done and my mom didn’t see it. She felt blind sided. I don’t blame my dad for doing what he did. It is crap but I still love him because he is my dad. My mom will be fine. Eventually.

I will continue later. Phones dying and I have a head ache.

2 thoughts on “First time.”

  1. Peyton, I want to encourage you about your son. My grandson, whom I love more than life, was kicked out of 3 pre-schools. One of them for hitting a teacher with a stick; others because he was ADHD and obsessive compulsive. It was VERY difficult for his mom, my daughter. And his brother. But as he got older, and as I keep praying for him and teaching him about Jesus and the Bible, he has mellowed. He is now 16 and never aggressive. Never. His worst problem is he cusses sometimes, then he always says “I’m sorry.” He is behind in school. In a special school, with other special needs youngsters. He participates in Special Olympics and school activities. He gets an “excellent” on his report every day. For good behavior, not grades. I hope this gives you hope, dear lady. He is such a love now, and he was a terror when he was little. Always pray for your kids. It will help. God bless you and your children in a very special way, with healing, in Jesus’ Name. Amen.

  2. Thank you for your kind words. It is hard because he is super sweet and sensitive. And me and my husband are the only one that see it.

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