I wonder how often people find themselves in a situation that is critical to their emotional health, that they did not choose to be in, and there are so many things on the line, that it feels like its out of your control. Recently i found myself in a place in my life where i never in a million years would have imagined i’d be.
To give a little background, I am married for a little over 3 years and have two rock star boys that put a smile on my face every day. However my husband is a different story. Up until 3 weeks ago, my life was a bliss. I was in a good, secure marriage, with a husband that loves and cares for me, or at least i thought that he does. 3 weeks ago my husband proposed divorce, saying that he is unhappy and that i am causing him a lot of emotional pain. I was stunned. After hours and hours of talking I did see how unhappy he was, but a very important part of it, that i keep on reminding myself daily, is that he is just unhappy with his life, in fact he doesn’t know what he wants from his life, but he does know that it’s definitely not me. I am a fun, caring, loving and giving person, I am definitely not one of those nagging wives. I decided for myself that we both deserve to be happy, being with unhappy husband, definitely won’t bring any happiness to me, and raising children in a dysfunctional family, for sure won’t be any good for them (our sons are 2 years old and 2 months old). This was the first time I understood the saying “If you love someone- let them go”. I felt nothing, but compassion towards my husband. Unlike the very next morning, I woke up full of anger, how can he give up on us, how did I agree to give up on us?! We had “the talk” again, where i reasoned with my husband to give it more time. I did not ask him to reconsider, just to give it more time, maybe it was a rush decision, we do have a 2 months old baby, that was very much wanted, so things can’t be that unhappy for long. We came to mutual agreement to seek therapy (not for the first time, that we were going to see a therapist).
Today we had $350 45 min session. Let me tell you, the best small fortune ver spent. I had a rude awakening of what my marriage really is. Why am I keep on fighting for it so hard, and so far keep on hurting myself even more than i want to make it work. I’ve learned so many things about my husband that he kept a secret for a slog as we know each other. The most important and pivotal point that he brought up, is that he entered our marriage with doubts. If you not sure, if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, why propose? To be clear, there was no pressure from my side, in fact the proposal was unexpected. All of a sudden i saw our relationship clear as the day, all those times that i’ve worked on myself to make my husband happy, weather it was losing weight, dying my hair or dressing a certain way was because I am not enough. No matter what I do, it will never be enough, there is always will be that doubt, if I am the one. Among other things.
So the question is, what am I fighting for here? Why do I want a man so badly, that clearly doesnt want to be with me.
I deserve to be loved, wanted and cared for, and i sure can give it back. Why am i chasing this relationship and the man that can’t provide it for me.
I want to be in a marriage where I am the only one for my husband. I don’t want to hear that he met a bartender that he really likes. I don’t want to be in a marriage where my husband says that he is not attracted to me. And i definitely don’t want to be in a marriage where it took 3 years for my husband to open up and talk.
45 minutes of today’s day made me feel like my life was a lie. It made me replay everyday of our marriage and think about how much of it was real.
And again, even after all of that, why am i so drawn to this man? why does it feel like the end of the world? Why can’t i just let him go?
The one thing I know for sure, is that it was good to get it out on the “paper”.