Everything is all my fault.

I’ve been out of sorts the last day or two. I really hate this month. I’ve never really had a reason to celebrate Valentine’s day so I hate it. My birthday is this month and it’s been ruined so many times that I hate that as well. The Lion had done pretty well to change that, but well the break up just reminded me how much I truly hate that day. I really, really, really do. Then just when that’s done and over with, the day my mom died isn’t far off. So really I hate this month.

 

Slowly though it’s getting worse. Finally the Knight came and picked up the extra cats that I had taken on. Of course, I’m at crossroads with that. One day it seems like I’m a girlfriend, the next day a friend, another day a stranger, and then rinse and repeat. I’m tired of the roller coaster and no matter how I feel about him, I shouldn’t be stuck like this.

 

If I had one wish that could happen it would be to be with the Lion again, but that is something that will never come to be.

 

It’s funny, I got tired of being the strong one. I’ve done that for everyone in my life. Forced myself to be. When things happened with the lion, I didn’t want to be strong any more. I still don’t. I have to be because who cares enough about me for me to lean on them? No one. Everyone has taken chunk of me with them. My best friend dumped me because I didn’t have the money to put her bill on my card. There’s the Knight where I’m tired of trying to figure out where I stand.

 

I’m just kind of giving up on things. My brother hasn’t given up on me, but honestly I’m just done with life. I can’t find myself able to love anyone. I love my family, that’s a given. Though I’ve truly tried to find someone else in my life and there isn’t anything there. The Lion is right. I’m better off dead. He constantly reminded me that I would never do better than him and he was right. So, the best I have now is to accept my fate as the monster and fuck up that I truly am. Accept that I will constantly be alone. I will be mailing back the key to the Knight because I can’t any longer. The roller coaster is too much now. While he appreciates what I do, he will never really see me. I’m just convenient to him. An ATM when he needs one, a shoulder to lean on when he needs one, everything he needs, but if I speak about me, well let’s just leave it at he doesn’t rightly give a fuck.

 

I’ve said all the words I can say to people. I’ve grown tired of the fake people and those that talk around me but not to me. I wish people would either speak to me directly and say what they have to say or don’t even mention my name. Sadly, though, they enjoy their games too much. They enjoy thinking that somehow they are better than me, and perhaps they are. I have truly understood one thing though; I know how alone I am in the world. I have nothing to talk about to anyone and no one to share anything with. That is my life and it’s either finally end my life or become accustomed to it. I am the monster. I am the destroyer of everything that comes near me. With some luck, I won’t wake up. I won’t see this next birthday. I won’t ruin anything else.

2 thoughts on “Everything is all my fault.”

  1. Reading this felt like you were talking about my life. I can’t explain how it felt knowing I’m not alone. I have been seeking help with all my thoughts and emotions but today was so hard. I feel so dead inside. I’m hoping tomorrow I love him less and I’m hoping I feel less worthless. I hope you wake up with less pain too.

  2. There’s no feeling like finding you’re not alone in the world. Though it does lead to most addicting thing of all… hope. I hope that your able to get the help you need. Journaling helps I’ve found. Just let it all out. You may not love him less, I know I don’t. But hopefully your pain softens. For me it’s not the pain, it’s the echoes of silence. Reading your comment helped quiet them for a moment. Thank you.

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