Tuesday February 6th

Full day of school today, but possible weather expected tonight. If this storm passes us, we will be good to go for the rest of the week. We will have 4 5 day weeks in a row. Yesterday was a 2 hour delay, but we were still at school. 

I cannot believe that they pulled those jobs off the web site. I really thought I was going to get an interview. Faith literally said in her email response that she would be in touch. What the fuck, man? I wonder what happened? Not a single word from anyone. I just emailed the HR person again. She didn’t respond when I emailed her last week. I won’t ask anymore after today. I will just let it go and move on with my life. Like I said, that would have been the equivalent of winning the lottery for me. I will never make that much money as a teacher. I can should all over myself about how I have gotten to my current situation, but there’s no point. My job is okay. I don’t mind it for the most part. I just need to dig in and make it through the next 15-18 years or so. The goal has to be 40 years total because that would allow me to draw 100% of my salary. The minimum will be age 55. Let’s hope I can make it much closer to the 40 year mark than the age 55 mark. 

If life was fair, all the horrible, shitty things that have happened to me would eventually be balanced out with something completely wonderful happening to me. Like me getting that good job, or my husband back, or winning the lottery. Too bad life’s not fair and shitty thing after shitty thing will just keep adding to the pile that made me want to kill myself. Ha, I can’t think about how bad it is for too long or I’ll talk myself into giving up again and return to plotting my suicide. I need to keep trying at least for the rest of Sophie’s life.That will be the goal. I will outlive my cat. She’s around 19 now, so I don’t know how many more years she has. I will set milestones and then evaluate my situation when I reach them. 

I start my foster parent classes on Thursday. Maybe a child to care for that needs me would give me purpose. My own kids don’t care for me- I wonder how long they would go without seeing or talking to me if I didn’t contact them? There’s no telling. 

I am a bitter, lonely, jealous person. My parents did this to me, they made me a wreck, but I don’t know how to fix it, so here I am. Alone and broke with nothing to hope for. 

Later, that same day…

So I emailed the lady in HR and I don’t think the job has been filled. At least not officially. If a name had been turned in to her, she would know obviously, so that leads me to believe that it has not been hired. I won’t worry about it too much, but it is still possible that I will get a call for an interview. 

I am trying to be smart about money. I have been a mess for the last couple of years. Not just with money, but definitely including money. 

I hope so much that I still get an interview for that job. 

One thought on “Tuesday February 6th”

  1. I hope you get the interview. On another subject, adult kids can be very distant—I had that with my daughter. We were so close when she was little. It hurts! Just keep loving them, no matter, and love yourself too. You have survived a lot! Good for you! (hug)

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