What makes me messed up

When I was little I was molested.I was only 9.My uncle was there from Mexico and we were helping him get a job.While my parents were at work, we were at home.It was after all summer.He would inappropriately touch me and look at me.

When I was ten I noticed I was fat.I knew I had body image issues.I started ignoring it.But it got to me.I then started to cut, at the age of eleven.I was stressed and I read in a survey that cutting helped relive the stress.And it did.But I ignored the fact that all of the people who had taken the survey went through depression or are still going through it.I want to know if I have depression.I want to know what I have to do to try and get through the impossible task of getting the worthlessness out of my head.I have told one person about the cutting and the molesting.I haven’t told David about the suicide attempts.He’s a very good listener.A good friend overall.He understands what I’m going through.Like no one else does.We opened up to each other and he told me things.We had a beautiful relationship up until Saturday(3rd of February).Two of my friends and I texted him and forced him to tell us things.Though he didn’t know that my friends were being updated on what was texted.I know I have betrayed him.And someday David will read this and think that I’m a bitch.And I don’t blame you for it.

He told me that he liked me.I felt my heart sinking.I felt as though the last remains of my world had collapsed.It was selfish.I thought about him and felt discombobulated.How could someone like him like me?I was so confused.I was lost.And yesterday he didn’t really talk to me.I was hurt.But I knew he was too.I felt like an idiot.I wanted to cut.But I had lost my razor in the girl’s bathroom.I didn’t have an extra.

I don’t know how long it will take to build my world up.It’s not like it’ll stay up anyways.So why even try?

One thought on “What makes me messed up”

  1. I’m sorry you are depressed. That is a terrible place to be. Please don’t cut anymore. It really doesn’t help in the long run. Ask God to heal your hurt memories of your uncle. Start fresh and be wonderful YOU. God can break those chains of memory and give you new, happier memories. May He bless you head to toe!

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