Duality

Nope I have decided I needed to post a self-pitying, I hate myself and the world entry. Urgh a fair few things have upset me today and completely messed me up…first was my mother this morning…I use the tumble drier quite frequently because I do everyone’s washing and I look after Harry and it obviously is easier and saves time and I know I am very lucky to have access to one here, I am not ungrateful…I was up at half 6 this morning with Harry and I put the tumble drier on for two hours and everything was still wet. I told my mum because well I thought she should know if something maybe isn’t working properly as yes it is her and dad’s house. When I informed her I didn’t think something was right she was annoyed that I’d used the tumble drier so long but it was only because things weren’t getting dry and I didn’t carry on with it I stopped it and told her! Then she went on about how she was able to do all the washing on her own for my and me older sister when we were little without a tumble drier. Basically she was bragging about it and making me feel stupid and small. In the end I was just like well why the fuck did you buy a tumble drier after being able to be without it when me and my sister were little???!!

I told dad instead and when he looked at it he saw there was a long spoon stuck in the filter but he can’t get it out.

****it’s now the next day I actually started this entry yesterday on Tuesday 6th Feb- I had to stop writing because I needed to pick up my son from nursery. I was worried about Harry in nursery yesterday because it took about 10 minutes to try convince him to go into the nursery…then he acted out and cried when I managed to get him inside the building…usually he waves me out the door and practically shuts the door on me but I don’t know what happened yesterday. He kept crying out ‘back home!’ and I didn’t really know what to do! I felt so mean but urgh he usually enjoys it! Anyway yesterday—my dad has since managed to get the spoon out of the tumble drier. I did another wash of mainly my mum and dad’s clothes as dad was trying to fix the tumble drier so I’m guessing dad was switching the power to the washing machine and tumble drier on and off. The clothes cycle did finish but I don’t sort out the clothes straight away as I’m with Harry- I sort it when I get the chance and I often don’t get the chance till the night after Harry goes to bed. My mum yelled at me again though because the cycle finished and dad must have switched the power off then back on so the washing machine no longer said ‘End’ it just went back to it’s usual display. Mum pressed the wash button again and I got the blame for her mistake. Unfortunately the cycle I use most often has two settings for the same cycle and the one it displays as default is the 60 wash and you have to press the button with the thermometer on it to put the temperature down to 40. I wish I hadn’t told her this because she went ballistic (she’s very particular about her clothes) and wouldn’t let me turn the washing machine back on. Thing is it was a little bit into the cycle and so the washing machine wouldn’t allow the door to be opened. My mum was yelling at me saying I should have sorted the washing out right away so none of this could have happened. I didn’t say it but I was thinking it: Mum I’m not your fucking slave!! Wash and dry your own damn clothes because I’m sick of your complaining. I don’t know why I bother to do everyone’s washing, I did it because I wanted to help everyone and the only one who is grateful is my dad. This all sounds so stupid but I was so upset.

Plus when I dropped Harry at nursery I had to go to Asdas to get tissues and some other things…my mum was complaining that morning there were no tissues and moaning that I hadn’t bought any tissues and I was like MUM I know we were running low on tissues on Monday but I couldn’t go out I was with Harry all day why didn’t YOU go out and buy some fucking tissues yourself. Despite her being so nasty about it all I rushed off to Asdas and filled up the car with petrol despite how difficult Harry was being when I left him at the nursery and I bought us SIX boxes of tissues. At the check out the lady at the till was giving me such glares and filthy looks; when she first glared at me I smiled back but she didn’t return it, she just kept giving me the most hateful stares and I felt so awful. She spitefully asked “No work today?” and I replied I was a full-time mum and she said unconvincingly “must be really nice to be able to be a full-time parent.” I just smiled and tried to be happy and nice. I thought to myself ‘actually I know what you’re getting at bitch but I spent four and a half years of my later teenage years and early 20’s being sectioned in a hospital so forgive me for not being able to go to university then get a job, you have no idea how much it kills me now that I couldn’t do all that when all my other friends were which led me to losing them all. Then I get home and is my mum grateful I got us six whole boxes of tissues, no she complains I didn’t get any bananas.

I am still in a rubbish mood today. Harry is with his dad every Wednesday 1:30-4pm so at least I’m having a rest but I went to the church group this morning and whenever I go out in public I just hate myself even more at the moment. I keep reading into how people are looking at me and speaking to me and it screams at me that they dislike me and wish I wasn’t there. I go to these groups for Harry’s sake, if I had my choice I would not be out in public because my existence is generally extremely offensive to most and a source of great annoyance to everyone. Urgh. I’m going.

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