2/6/18 — i hate him but I want him…

(WARNING: The following journal entry contains language not suitable for children. Also GAYNESS.. You’ve been warned.)

Turner…my most recent ex. We dated from late December to early January. Dating him was like a dream come true. My ultimate fantasy. I met the boy when I was twelve and he was thirteen. Middle school, seventh grade. I was one of the few friends he had. Little did I know back then, he was one of my first serious boy crushes. We went to high school together for one year but he moved to another school. We talked on and off on Facebook. Finally we reconnected late last year. Started hanging out. I went to his house, we got a little drunk, he walked me home, and we kissed. Thus beginning a relationship between the two of us.

I should have known things wouldn’t work out. He was already dating a girl (whom he never really even sees). He took things a little too seriously, especially when it came to video games. He was a chronic smoker as well. Not to mention he was a pathological liar.

Long story short, the relationship didn’t last but less than two weeks. He didn’t want to be lonely on new years, so I took him out with my friend group, Kate, Blaze, Marissa, and Alvin. He became fast friends with Marissa and Alvin, to the point where he started hanging with them without telling me. Come to find out, he had begged them not to invite me because he didn’t want to be around me. He was planning on breaking up with me. Because apparently I grossed him out when we did sexual things. He even went as far to tell them that I forced him to suck my dick and swallow. Which, that was entirely up to him. As a submissive, I told him he had free reign to do whatever he wanted with me. He decided to suck my dick and swallow. That was not on me. Anyway, I’ll stop reliving the past now.

It’s been a full month since our break up. I’ve been managing to keep a friendship with him. I can’t stand to hate, and I can’t stand to be hated, either. So I tried my damnedest and succeeded in keeping him in my life. I want him back so bad…maybe not in a romantic way, because his personality’s kinda, well, shitBut out of all nine guys I’ve ever been involved with, I had the most sexual fun with this one. Turner was actually into the same things as me. We’re both kinky little fuckers. I may be a horrible person for thinking this, but I so wish he would make a move and in the process either break up with his girl or cheat on her. I just want him to want me.

But I fucking hate the type of person he is. He’s constantly lying about everything, I don’t even know what’s real or fake anymore. For a while these past couple weeks me and him haven’t talked much. When we do talk, it’s three or four messages then I’m left on read. Finally though, yesterday he wanted to make plans to hang out at the mall today. So today we hung out. It felt good to be wanted. But even though I love being in his presence, I still can’t stand him. Even his two new “besties”, Marissa and Alvin, are planning on dropping his ass because they can’t put up with his constant fibs. He wanted me to walk with him across town to the library. I declined, and was immediately called a bad friend for not wanting to keep him company. Well, I’m sorry, I just don’t want to walk that far of a distance! I also went to eat at Subway in the mall, leaving him in the arcade. When I went back, he had already left. I got home, texted him sorry for ditching him, and he calls me out on being a not-so-great friend for leaving him. Well, if he wanted me that badly he would have came look for me instead of leaving immediately.

I’m ranting. I’ll cut this short now. Basically, I hate him. I can’t stand the kind of person he is. He’s hurt me, he’s lied to me, he’s a shitty person. But, I love him. Or rather, I’m still lusting for him. I want to fool around with him. I’m sexually frustrated, and him being the only one to completely satisfy me in bed, of course I’d want to do stuff with him. Ugh, I’m so fucking stupid. I want to be done with this bullshit. I want to be able to completely drop him. But I can’t.

Peace out.

8:52 PM

One thought on “2/6/18 — i hate him but I want him…”

  1. Dating someone we’ve been infatuated with for so long is always an interesting experience. And great sex is always great sex. But sometimes we need to realize that the relationship was trash (even if the sex was amazing). A life lesson that I learned is that the best sex comes from the worst people! Hopefully you feel better soon (:

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