I’ll be nineteen in four days.

It’s 1:19 AM at the start of this. entry. or whatever it’s supposed to be.

This whole thing seems like a nice idea but I’m probably not going to stick with it because I never stick with anything. If I do, it’ll be interesting. If I live long enough while upkeeping it, maybe it’ll be an interesting way to log milestones. Milestones of surviving, of venting online to strangers, of being cringe-worthy in every way possible. I’ll regret this when I’m twenty. I’ll be nineteen in four days.

I was once a star English student but I’m not going to care about that now. This is going to come out however it wants to, probably ugly and sporadic. But once upon a time, English was the only subject I could easily get As and enjoy. Sometimes I’d get Bs if I was lazy. But otherwise, I wasn’t much of a student at all. I dropped out in middle school. I’m not book smart. I’m not anything smart. I’m just angry and messed up. I have no one to talk to about that that I haven’t already worn out, so I’m here. I can’t currently afford therapy since I don’t have a job. Working on it. Some anonymous troll can feel free to come along and heckle me about it if they feel so inclined, I’ll probably agree. You can’t phase me, I promise. Sometimes I feel nothing so strongly that I wish I could be phased by strangers on the internet. Or by anyone or anything at all. No, I only get irrationally anxious about everything completely nonsensical and pointless. Otherwise, it’s just a heavy numbness.

I’m hoping things will get better with faith. I feel better when I say that. But I’m not sure what’s just feeling and what’s fact anymore. I’m not sure if I’ve ever been. I just miss calmness. But I’m not sure if I’ve ever had that either.

I’ll be nineteen in four days. I want to be someone before I’m twenty. I want to make money so I can stop wasting my mom’s money on just sitting here and existing miserably. But getting a job is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I have no education, no schooling. I don’t even have my GED yet. I guess that’s the first step. But I’m too scared to fail it because I’m too scared to come to terms with how stupid I really am. And I’m too scared to get a job because people terrify me. Rather I terrify myself in front of people. I’m a self-focused, embarrassing mess. I can’t make direct eye contact with anyone. Why am I like this? I wish I knew.

This is making me sad and anxious to write. Everything makes me anxious.

Signing off.


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