I remember one time when I was really deep into depression, that when I came out of it, I thought, “Wow! I can’t believe I was thinking about killing myself! I am so glad I didn’t!” I remember that happening. This time, even though the depression seems a little better lately, there hasn’t been a moment like that- where I feel deeply aware of how clouded my thinking was due to depression. Cognitively, I know it, but I still don’t feel “normal”. I am still on the depression end of the mood scale. I don’t know how, if my life continues as it is, I will ever get out of this depression. I have tried everything I know to try. Hell, I quit my job and moved 700 miles away to a state where I didn’t know a soul in an attempt to beat this, and it didn’t work. That was my hail Mary. I am out of ideas that are within my control. Yes, if Brent would take me back, I would be better, yes, if I got the new job, I would be better, yes, if I had a windfall of money, I would be better, unfortunately, none of those things are within my control. The only think I can do is keep breathing and hope that my circumstances will change. I don’t have the power to fix the things that are wrong. I supposed I can just work toward keeping my situation from getting any worse.
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."