Wednesday February 7th

I remember one time when I was really deep into depression, that when I came out of it, I thought, “Wow! I can’t believe I was thinking about killing myself! I am so glad I didn’t!” I remember that happening. This time, even though the depression seems a little better lately, there hasn’t been a moment like that- where I feel deeply aware of how clouded my thinking was due to depression. Cognitively, I know it, but I still don’t feel “normal”. I am still on the depression end of the mood scale. I don’t know how, if my life continues as it is, I will ever get out of this depression. I have tried everything I know to try. Hell, I quit my job and moved 700 miles away to a state where I didn’t know a soul in an attempt to beat this, and it didn’t work. That was my hail Mary. I am out of ideas that are within my control. Yes, if Brent would take me back, I would be better, yes, if I got the new job, I would be better, yes, if I had a windfall of money, I would be better, unfortunately, none of those things are within my control. The only think I can do is keep breathing and hope that my circumstances will change. I don’t have the power to fix the things that are wrong. I supposed I can just work toward keeping my situation from getting any worse. 

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