Sometimes it’s hard figuring out the future
Sometimes it’s hard figuring out who i want to be in my future and sometimes its hard figuring out who i want to be.
I have so many “want to do” ideas but don’t know how im going to even get there.
Getting into college is difficult especially when you half assed your way through high school
It’s hard growing up and i know it’ll only get more stressful as i continue to grow up nand mature.
I want to get married but how do i know if it’s the right thing to get married to the guy i love in high school.
Somedays i picture a happy life with him and some days i picture a life with more meaning than love.
I want to be beyond successful some days and other times i picture myself living on the side of the street homeless or using my body for money and i know that ,that image is not a decent one but sometime i feel as though my body is the only useful thing i have .
Life is a very confusing thing for me right now my emotions are unstable and everytime i try to get them in order i cant,except when i’m around the person who makes me the happiest and makes me enjoy the time we spent together but as all things go i overthink these happy moments
What if he wasn’t as happy as i was during this moment?
What if he finds someone else to give him all the things i lack?
What if my body is not enough for him to feel the lonely nights?
I’ve put this man through so much and we are only in high school. I convinced him to have a baby with me because i wasn’t happy with myself i brought a great amount of stress into the relationship because of that decision. I later got an abortion because i felt that it was the right thing to do.I wasnt ready and he wasn’t ready and i guess people can judge me for this decision but this i still regret my decision today and i can’t even look at a child or hold one knowing what i did.My boyfriend told me that if i get an abortion he would never talk to me again and his family won’t ever talk to me again because it’s not something they believe in,so after i got the abortion i told him i had a miscarriage until a month after i told him the truth because i couldn’t keep it a secret i thought he deserved to know and that it was the right thing to do.Little did i know he knew all along but when i told him i was in tears and all he did was comfort me and tell me it’s okay and it was the right thing to do and that he respects my decisions and that it’s my body.Remind you that he told me multiple times that we couldn’t have a baby right now and told me all the things we would have to go through with family and stuff and i threw a fit and made a big deal about it but he was right and someway somehow he always is.I’ve just put him through so much with having a baby,taking our precious little joy away(abortion) and my suicide threats and attempts,and my insecurities and jealousy.
Yet he is still so caring and loving and always he tell sme he loves me and always tells me how beautiful i am.I can honestly tell he genuinely loves me
But sometimes i get scared that he’ll get sick of me and i’ve changed in a good way since these events happened but just the thought of one argument and then him saying “thats it ive had enough you’ve put me through hell and i don’t want to be with you anymore”
My family doesn’t like him anymore because they feel disrespected at the fact that they actually liked him and then we kept the pregnancy a secret so they felt like he lied to them and also they don’t like him because during the series of the pregnancy events we both were under a lot of stress( i mean who wouldn’t be at the age of 17 becoming parents and having to grow up so fast)he called me out of my name once saying “i was being a bitch to him for no reason ( so of course my emotional pregnant ass ran and told everyone that he called me out of my name and now everyone hates him because they think he hurts me and whiched caused us not to be able to see each other anymore due to parents but we still see each other everyday and what gets me frightened is the idea that he will want to be with someone he can see everyday and be with and have in his life.
There’s so many doubts i have and
Trust me i want my parents to see the loving guy he really is
I want them to see the guy i see
As his family loves and cares about me.
So what do i do?
what if my future doesn’t have him in it? How do i prepare for those emotions?
someone please help