Thursday February 8th

I was so tired yesterday. I went to bed at 7. I don’t know why I felt so tired. I left school before 5, which I rarely do because I felt so tired. My neck was bothering me, too. That happens often when I’m really tired. No change on the job front. I haven’t heard anything and nothing has changed on the web site. I check it obsessively several times a day. It’s hard for me to believe that there was a time while I was at Dunbar, that I went months without checking the web site. I don’t mind my job now, and I will like it better next year if I get to have only 6th grade. I don’t particularly like the other science teachers, and some down right get on my nerves. 

My first foster parent training is tonight. On days like I had yesterday when I’m too tired to do anything, I wonder if I would have the energy to care for a child. I don’t at all understand how people go home from work and cook a whole meal. I cannot imagine. I don’t do anything when I get home. I just checked my tax refund status, and it’s been approved, and the site says it should be in my account by Monday. Nice. I’m only using it to pay off my credit card debt and saving the rest toward buying myself a house. I sure hope I’m able to pick up some extra money this summer doing something at school.  I will try to get some information tonight at that meeting about the respite care program. That is what I’m planning to do as my first venture into foster care. 

Later, that same day…

I got my rejection letter for the job today. At least now I know for sure that I didn’t get it. Why does nothing ever go my way? I get kicked in the teeth on a regular fucking basis. Just fucking once, just once, you would think things would go my way. Just fucking once. Any chance or hope I have toward making a better life for myself never works out. Every time I try to crawl out of the fucking ditch, I get kicked right back down in it. I am destined for mediocrity. Just mother fucking wallow in it. 

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