I realized…

Terminal courier new andale mono

wow, both fonts are beautiful, but as I’m sad… let’s choose Georgia. Because I’m not able to take decisions today. Actually I don’t know when I decide to start writing in english but the thing is. I know why I’m here again, writing. It’s because I’m sad.

Yesterday, was a hard day, just because I noticed that I can’t change things… that I don’t know why something bad happend to me, even when I have been doing so well my stuffs. I was trying so hard to be okey, to keep calm, controling my feelings and emotions as a mature person, reminding that everything will be ok when I felt bad things are coming, that bad thing ever happend and it’s not bad luck, it’s just real life. Of course, I didn’t keep it so far.

Some nights I have had kind of crisis and chaos, thinking about “dead” and what about I don’t wake up the next day, I haven’t enjoyed my life enough, or if someone die how I didn’t spend enough special time with them. Now, in addition to that, I got other preocupations, I’m worried about university and I considered that I was unlucky because thoughts has power in our mind and change our mood in a mess and I was being negative. I worried too because of those thoughts. 

Yesterday, thinking about my mental health and not to be dramatic I bury myself in music. I felt better… I listen to the FEP playlist, imagined how could be singing those songs in a conciert at Bogotá with a friend. Wow, that was therapy. 

Today, I wake up with a peacefull mood and I put my fucking songs again while I took my shower. I chose my clothes, went to the university, ran into my friend and say hi to other people. I was a little bit lost but trying hard to keep a happy face and making jokes. That caracterize me among my classmates. I got it! I was doing it so well! 

But I burst. I realized that I was really lost when I started to read something the teacher asked for. My thoughts was stronger that anything else and with each correction about my french pronounciation I was sunken, more and more, but actually, I was stronger that I thought. In other moment of my life I were left the classroom, I were run to the bathroom and burst in tears but I just stay… the class was finished and as submissive I went to say something to the teacher, because I didn’t want she think I’m weak. But she kept correcting me and I was so tired of making mistakes. I burst.

With my friend I controlled my words and my actions. In the bus, I controlled my tears, then at home I cried into my grandma hands, I huged her until I realized that nothing can’t be worse. Many bad things has happened.

Here I am. I don’t wait the best neither something better or solutions. Actually I’m doing nothing to repair or change what happend. I just want to cry, eat and exist. 

I don’t even want to listen to music. I’m sad and to me that’s ok.

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