Writers Note: I’m not suicidal even if the song makes you think that.
I’ve never been much of a writer, so please bare with me through the errors I will undoubtedly make. I’m not even sure if this will reach the eyes of the public yet or not, but to start, I should probably explain myself, as I have no plan to give up too many details. I’m currently living with Social Anxiety and I’ve read many Internet articles saying that journaling would help, hence my presence on this site.
I lost my job four months ago, causing the spiral back into my hole of depression and self-criticism I thought I had climbed out of a year ago. I hate being dependent on other people which is ironic considering my situation has me constantly leaning on my family for help. Only being 21, I still turn to my Mother financially even though I know she is struggling on her own. I feel terrible for that, the guilt is heavy on my back, yet jobs are hard for me to come by with my picky standards.
My last two jobs were overnight stocking positions, and I’m too scared to stray away from something I’m already accustomed to but none seem to be available as of the moment. I can tell i’m becoming a burden to my family, which makes me want to disappear so they don’t have to stress over my problems.
The anxiety I have has gotten to the point people believe I’m using it as a crutch, like I enjoy being able to get out of things. I wish I was able to do customer service jobs, or go through a drive through by myself. I want to be able to answer my phone when an unknown number calls me. I want to be able to type this without the burning sensation of oncoming tears behind my eyes.
I want to read this entry in the future and smile at my progress.
I’m tired of the guilt I feel over something I can’t control. I’m tired of people thinking I need to be fixed. I’m tired of being afraid of things that are completely normal for most people. I’m tired of Social Anxiety Disorder.
Since this is only my first entry, I want to make a list of things I want fixed by this time next year, or sooner if at all possible. So here goes nothing.
- I want to find a job
- I want to be comfortable in my body.
- I want to live alone
- I want to be more open with the people I love.
- I want to be proud of myself.