The tackle box in my head.

I went to the cancer doctor to start the process of being radiated and injected with the poison to kill this nastiness growing inside me. Mr Buttons went with me. It’s been a minute since I’ve gotten to sit and tell the story… but he came back and asked forgiveness. He has stayed this time. He’s stuck by me for 3 weeks now through thick and thin. We are learning and growing together in ways I never thought I would get to experience. The initial consultation with the cancer doc… he came with me. It was probably the most precious day of my life. We were in the exam room… he took my hands and put my head on his shoulder and danced with me… just to make me smile. He made silly faces and jokes to ease my heaviness. He had nothing to gain…i could not give him money or goods or services for his generosity… but without hesitation he stepped up and truly was my best friend. 

My son and his girlfriend came to be with me during this hard time about two weeks ago. The first thing he did when the house cleared was to beg me to find him a was to get high. I was so sad. Then, this past week he stole half of my monthly income and did what he set out to do. He took all my pain meds and ate all my food. He trashed my house and took off without even saying goodbye, all the while blaming Mr Buttons and myself. He was supposed to be helping me through this difficult time, but instead made me long for what I always knew I never had anyway even while killing me more quickly. I didn’t know he was like that or I would’ve never asked for him to be present with me. I thought he was doing better. I screwed everything up so badly. It’s been so hard to keep smiling and stay strong. Sometimes I feel like it’s too much and I have to go into a corner to hide the rivers that flow from my eyes. I need to be stronger…i need to be strong just in case. 

I sometimes wonder if I’m at all good. I’ve screwed so many more things up in the last three weeks than what my selfish pride will allow me to admit here. Yesterday I was on my way to do something wrong… something bad…i didn’t even feel guilt. I put it away… somewhere else… and justified my own stupidity and allowed myself no shame in the fact that I was a being a stumbling block to my friend. Love? Really?

Truth be known, I’m probably one of the cruelest, selfish, and hypocritical beings I’ve ever known. I deserve every bit of pain, and agony that death will bring on its stealthy wings. I deserve torture and torment. I deserve loneliness. I truly hate me… what I’m becoming. I’ve failed as a daughter, as a mother, as a sister, and now as a friend. I deserve what my life will become. I wanted something different… in my heart… but for stupid temporary human reasons, did exactly the opposite. 

Today must end soon!

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