Mr Buttons loves the succubus. The nastier and meaner the better. It hurts so bad to see him in action. It breaks my heart. He breaks my heart. I feel like I’m in the way. I feel as if I clipped his wings. Now he’s flapping around in this cage I built for him, so lovingly. I just wanted to be a part of who he is maybe? Maybe? All I know is that I pray. I pray so hard. I know God is with me and him both. I see evidence of his hand at work in every moment of our lives. I try so hard to make him happy… whatever that means. If it means to let him fly away and new free then i am willing. Whatever it takes for him to be happy and content. I only get in his way when it comes to that. I would lay down my life to make his ok. I’ve said it so many times before… I’ve begged God so many times before, for this one thing… make him ok? With or without me. It’s starting to hurt more and more.
I was more afraid today than I’ve been in a very long time. I was in total panic mode. I was shaking. Mr Buttons sat in the truck. There’s not allot i can say. It was long. It took a long time to get through it. They loaded me in the machine, with the dye running through me. I cried so hard. I was alone once more.
My baby boy weighs heavy on my mind. I wish so much it had not gone in the direction it did. I would never have guessed it would have ended like this.
When they put me in the ground, I hippie no-one is there. I hope there is not one soul that has it in their heart to watch. I hippie they all have something better to do. Because the sad truth is, they did when I was breathing… why take the time to make an appearance in my life when all the breath is gone?
I wish I could go now. I sit here in this motel room with Mr Buttons and another friend…. listening to him make his heartless attempts to draw the succubus in to fill the lusts of his flesh without letting me know exactly what will happen. Little does he know. I knew this day would come. I saw it in the distance… there were dark storm clouds getting ready to burst overhead. Now, in the darkness they billow with a loud voice. They waited until they were directly overhead to drop their heavy loads into my spirit. They spill it so hard and so plentiful that it makes me want to lay my head on the cold cold ground and give up my soul to the ones that are willing to naw on its pitiful remains. This is what is left of my life. I prayed, and was granted my last request to love. I got what I wanted and lost what I had. More often than not… this is what we are given. I had an opportunity to go home…. and continued to hold the hand of the one that will split my throat from ear to ear, and leave me laying to bleed out as he and his succubus skip away in delight.
I gave everything to the ones I loved while sojourning through this temporary shelter. I saved nothing back for myself. No sanity, no love, no gifts.
Father, forgive them. For they know not what they do? Have mercy dear Lord? Eloi Eloi Lama sabacthani? It is finished. Into your hands, do I commit my spirit and soul.