I’m supposed to be writing a paper right now and here I am starting and writing to you instead.
I’m sorry I cried. I know that you are not use to seeing that side of me but its been a slowly worsening trait of mine. I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m scared, I cry when I laugh sometimes too. No idea why I do, I always imagined that crying was a trait of weakness and I still hate that I do it because I can’t control it and I dislike anything I can’t control.
I hate that my first reaction was protecting my self when you said that the only reason why you came was because I needed you. Its easier to walk away than to stay and talk, so much easier and I guess I’m tired of trying to convince people why I’m worth it. I know I am, but why can’t everyone else see that? I never want to need anyone, I know you can understand this. Becuase if you need someone then you give them power over you and we circle back to the whole control issue again. I’ve been broken down and lied to more times than I can count and where you experianced lying in the form of cheating, mine was in secrets and lies while looking me in the eyes and betraying my family and I don’t know that I can trust again. But somehow I do becuase when it happens again, and it always does, here I am crying again becuase I believed that he wouldn’t do it again. I take your three heart breaking cheaters and raise you 11 years of being lied to about things that don’t matter.
As for friendship, I don’t know what you want. I don’t know that I would have ever heard from you if I didn’t reach out, and maybe I shouldn’t have. I don’t want to disrupt this happy stress free life you have built for yourself, though from what you say thats not possible. But at the same time I want to be thought about the same as any person. I don’t know if I stand alone when I tell you that I didn’t just let you go into the recesses of my memory and never thought about you. Or that I don’t have dreams I can’t control or pictures of us still tucked away in various parts of my house. I guess if I had done it with anyone else it might matter, but it was only you. I wish I could glimpse your brain or read your thoughts to ease my own discomfort of feeling like Im in this alone. Maybe one day you’ll trust me enough to just tell me yourself.
I came to you with a pure heart of missing a relationship that was once so dear to me, not so you could fix me or even listen to my problems. I wanted to laugh and talk and have great conversations about things more complicated that the weather like so many relationships are now. I just wanted more.