I’m so damned baffled.   He keeps insisting that he’s going to be there after we move over into his complex  but he’s still chatting with some other woman and getting nudy pictures from her.  He thinks she looks nice.  He use to think I looked nice.  Since he got sick last week his sex drive is all but non existent.  Before then it was  constant playing around.   I guess that must have been when he met her.  I’m debating on leaving on the third of next month for New Orleans.  I mentioned it to Ian and he flipped.  He asked me why I would even think of leaving.   He even called me his girlfriend last night and tried to withdraw it.  But he eventually conceded a little bit.  He keeps saying he wants to  keep our love affair going because we have something good going but I’m not sure he does.  He claims he’s not looking for anyone else but then there’s that other woman.  I think he wants that other woman more than me.  If he wants her that damn bad he can have her.  It’s going to hurt like hell losing him.  It was so great that first week.  But he got sick and got me sick and everything just fell apart.  He’s been here with me all this week and will be for another two weeks.  I want to just sit and cry at the thought of losing him.  He’s so kind and tender.  He gets wound up tighter than hell when he thinks I’ve been threatened.  He did concede last night that he likes me a lot and he actually cared what happened to me.  I don’t want to lose him but I have no choice but to let him go.  I think I’m going to go ahead and go on to New Orleans.  My heart keeps telling me to stay and give him a chance but my head is screaming bloody murder to run, run far away.  If I had the money I would have already gone.    I’ve cut guys off for a lot less…..I just wish I could know 100 percent one way or another what to do.  He just went outside to bring some of his stuff in.  I keep telling him its been nice having him around, kinda hinting around that in two weeks it was going to end.  Something tells me I’ll never see him again once we get over there and into separate places despite his protestations otherwise.  I’m already hurting so bad at the idea that I’m loosing him in two weeks.  Dave has reappeared.  His attitude has definitely improved.   Hopefully it will stay that way.   Although when we did get together that one time, he got dressed right away and took off afterwards.  Maybe he’ll provide some distraction while I get used to being alone again.  I wish I knew why men didn’t want a relationship with me.  I’m not asking for marriage just a  companion to live my days out with.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask….for a kind man who will treat me like Ian has this past few weeks.  I can’t expect the level of sex were having or even a fraction of it.  I miss that week with Ian so much.  He actually looked at me with such love in his eyes….it still hurts to think of that and that I’ve lost it.  I guess I don’t deserve to have happiness or to have someone who wants to spend his life with me who will treat me this good.  He gets so upset if he thinks someone is going to hurt me.  I’ve never had that before and after I lose it in two weeks I’ll never have it again.  Still hurts.  One minute he’s so affectionate and the next he’s like a glacier.  Although this morning he asked me to go with him to his room to help him move out when yesterday he didn’t want me to go with him.  Maybe he senses that I’m preparing to leave.    He locked me out of the bathroom this morning and wouldn’t let me in.  He’s probably chatting with that girl again even though he says he isn’t.  That’s ok.  In two weeks they can have each other and all to themselves.  Ian says he’ll take care of Murray if something happens to me.  I’d rather die than go on alone.  I don’t want to spend the next 30 years alone.  I just can’t handle it.  The last 9 have been such torture….not even tolerable not having someone to physically touch or to call me.  I cannot and will not go on after this alone.

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