Confused?

Dear Diary,

It’s been a while since we last spoke. Maybe I should find a habit of writing more often. I have yet to find a name for you, so I’m going to stick with diary for now. I wish I can say that my day is going fine. But, it’s not. I’ve been thinking about cutting my parents out when I move out, but, I don’t know if that is such a good idea.

Since I’m the oldest, I get picked on the most. I heard somewhere that the first child goes through the most hell. I’m not sure if it’s true, but I can believe it. I’ve been contemplating  on what to do. I’ve been talking to a guy and I’m nervous about him coming over and taking me out and meeting my parents. Why? My mom.

She has to be the most judgmental person on the planet. Every single guy that I brought home, she bitched about. It’s on his looks and if he makes enough money. So, I’m just highly nervous on what to do. But this goes beyond that.

My mom can be a piece of work. It is hard to please her. I don’t think she understands on what she does to me. She has mentally and emotionally abused me. Not being skinny enough, tall enough, pretty enough. It’s come the point where I can’t look at myself in the mirror. She doesn’t see that she made me insecure, because she had. She says she’s not the cause of me being insecure, that it’s my fault. 

Where and how is it my fault? I’ll never know so I accept that it’s “my fault”, whenever I brought a guy home in the past and for whatever reason we didn’t work out, she’ll always blame me for it. “Blair, have you considered that maybe it’s not the guys? It’s you? The way you talk or act?” Last time I checked mother dearest, I’m nervous on a date and usually give one word answers or pay more attention to the guy. But, it’s “my fault.” She’ll often compare to her friends kids’ and it bothers me as well.

Believe me, when trying to talk to her it leads her to pointing the finger back at me. I honestly think my attitude problem only happens around her and has gotten worse because of her. Maybe I do need a therapist or something. (That’s another thing she thinks I need. Ok mom.) 

I just kinda want her out of my life, or still have her in my life when I move but keep her to minimal on things. 

She’s the kind of mother who is judgmental, selective hearing, “I don’t want to hear it”, controlling, and close minded person.  I’m open to suggestions at this point.

Sincerely yours,

Confused Blair xoxo

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