I have a lot to do today. I need to grade notebooks, I should get to school and do that door decoration, but I probably won’t. I should also go to that baby shower, but I won’t. My birthday dinner with my family is tonight. My sister is not coming. I thought about her yesterday. I thought about writing her a letter saying that I’m sorry for anything I have ever done to her. I thought I would tell her I am sorry if she is ashamed of me and I’m sorry if I have caused her embarrassment. I don’t know what I have done to her. I know I hit her in the leg with a baseball bat over 30 years ago. I honestly think she is still mad at me about that. She is mad at me for when she was in college and I left Jamie and she was stuck living in the same house with him. I don’t know what else I did. I wanted to tell her she couldn’t possibly hate me anymore than I hate myself for every mistake I’ve ever made. My brother doesn’t hate me. I don’t guess I ever did anything to him. Nothing that I can remember. I wanted to tell my sister that I’m glad if she doesn’t remember all the horrible shit that happened when we were children. I’m glad if it hasn’t fucked her up like it has me. I’m glad if she’s strong enough to just put it away, if that’s what she’s been able to do.
I’m sad today. I am dreading the full week I have ahead of me. I am dreading going to dinner with my family tonight. I hate myself so much. I hate myself for every stupid thing I’ve ever done. I hate myself for every mistake I’ve ever made.
Later, that same day…
It’s 12:05 and I finished grading the two classes of notebooks I brought home. I ironed my clothes and I took a shower. Now I need to go over to school and put those notebooks away and get the last class I need to grade and bring them home. I need to get set up for tomorrow’s lessons, and think about what I’m doing for the rest of the week. I have a very heavy heart today. I am so sad. My mother planned this birthday “party” for me for this evening, and now the water is up and over her road and she can’t get out to get here. If she’s not coming, I am going to text the only 3 people that were coming, my brother, Noah, and Brent, and cancel. It makes me feel slighted that my mother ordered me a cake from Walmart and my brother’s cake from a designer bakery. I know that’s dumb and childish, but it bother’s me. I really don’t feel like being social. I am in a curling up in a ball on the floor mood. I guess I need to get up and go to my school to get my mind busy, at least.