Im Paisley and this is new for me but Ive found myself with little to no friends to talk to… So here I am. I got out of a 3 year relationship with this boy named Johnathan and he was the love of my life I think. He may have been perfect but not for me. I don’t regret leaving him but it does hurt. 3 years goes by and its like you aren’t two separate people you are joint. And everyone saw us as that. I had a whole future planned with him until I didn’t. And right now you probably think I’m not over him but I am. I will always love him but I’ve seen parts of him I don’t want to see. And I know it would be selfish to keep him to myself when I knew I loved him but not in the way I once did and I was never going to get there. The night we broke up officially I met Tyler Jackson. He was the polar opposite of Johnathan but boy I was ready to jump into something fun so I did. Tyler and I spent all break together with a kind of hang and bang vibe but I could tell he was starting to get feelings for me and me for him but I didn’t want to. I didn’t and don’t want a relationship I just wanted someone consistent. I thought maybe Tyler would be that for me until we were both ready to make it something more. But me and all his friends were wrong and he was lying to everyone. He had been playing me the whole time because he did like me he just was too much of a pussy to act on it so he threw himself at anything that would take him (including my close friends) to “make the feelings stop”. And its fine I was upset for the time I had wasted and for being lied to but its not like he broke my heart or even got close to doing that. And we are close friends again but strictly that and that is it nothing more nothing less. When I was visiting my hometown I went to a party at this guy Antonio Ragners house. He has always been beautiful and sweet but bootcamp brought out both of those qualities even more. It was the first time since high school that we have both been single/bold to be interested in each other. I really didn’t expect much from him he’s busy and even though we shared a really great kiss or two that night I figured I wouldn’t hear from him and that was that. Welllll I was wrong yall this boy legit was acting like he was gonna pursue me. So I kinda was just rolling with it. He gave me so much attention and boosted me up so much that I thought it would go somewhere eventually but with me at school and him living on base 6 hours away I knew if anything it would go slow. I tuely fell in love with his hands though. Something about a man with strong hands lights a fire within me. I don’t need anyone to take care of me but it would be nice to have someone who wanted to and who could if I did need them to. So I was just kinda keeping him on the back burner for now. Before yall think I am boy crazy lets get something straight… for the most part I have spent the last 5 years of my life in two long ass relationships and I just want to test the waters and figure out whats right for me and find a boo thing I can spoil on the way. But about a week ago I met Chris Rose haha we met through Tyler and he has those same strong hands as Antonio. Not as strong or as fulfilling but still very attractive and his face wasn’t too bad. We hung out a few times but his attitude was bigger than mine and he paid less attention to me then Antonio did and he can’t have his phone during his classes during the day so that really tells you something. I need and want someone that wants me with there full heart. I though Antonio might be that guy so I came home this weekend to see him. All day he asked me to hang out with him and we made plans and then he canceled them super last minute because the weather got cold and he just wanted to stay in. LOL Bullshit…. Maybe there is some truth to it but he still isn’t talking to me and I really don’t want to waste my time and energy on someone who won’t spend either on me. I told myself I am not going to set expectations for anyone because most don’t follow through 95% of the time but here I was expecting him to follow through. Yall my life is more depressing then I ever thought it would be. My family/home life sucks all my real ride or die friends are all across the state at different schools and Im all alone. I don’t know how to do any of this. I don’t know why it is so hard for people to just not lie and to be real genuine people who just tell me whats up instead of making excuses. I just don’t get it. I don’t. And I know gods pushing me for a reason and that he doesn’t give us more than he knows we can handle but like can it slow down just a little bit? I don’t know. I don’t even like to write it’s just a way to vent and it doesn’t matter if anyone sees it. But yeah so fuck Chris and Fuck Antonio. No expectations….