2/11/18-Day 1

Well, I guess to start this whole thing off I should explain my back story and why I started this thing. First of all, I’ll try to keep this short. I tend to get a little talkative. This whole journaling thing is going to help me get out words that I’m to scared to admit to those around me. To start off, Ill share with ya’ll the reason that I’ve gone through what I have. Before I got to college about a year and a half ago (I’m a Sophomore right now), I went through 18 years of bullying. Severe and physical. It all started when I was in preschool and it didn’t end until I graduated high school and moved to college. I never really had any friends growing up because everyone always avoiding me in school and made lists that went around school about why people shouldn’t be friends with me. I used to get shoved in the hallways, pushed to the ground, hit, touched inappropriately when no one else was looking. This is all stuff that I had hoped would end when I got to high school, but that was when it got worse. I’m sorry that I’m giving you a much shorter version of my story. But, I had grown so used to being alone all the time that it just became a habit to learn what back ways to take to class, even if it took five minutes longer. I got used to never having anyone to talk to. I couldn’t even get away from the hards times and find comfort in my own home because I had a mother who was so depressed, she couldn’t get out of bed to take care of me. My oldest sister became my motherly figure. My wasn’t ever around much because he worked all the time. My biggest memory from when I was a kid, I was in elementary school, was helping my sister carry my unconscious mother to the hospital because she had tried to commit suicide and failed. I remember constant hospital visits to go see my mom who was either in a mental hospital, or getting treatment for cancer. My parents never knew what I was going through at school because I never trusted them. I felt too guilty burdening them with what was going on and I was too embarrassed. Any time I tried to open up to them they would shame me, call me stupid, and tell me that they don’t feel it necessary to help me. Now, I’m in college. I have an alcoholic sister who is also addicted to drugs. I have another sister who checked herself into the mental hospital for suicide and self harm. I have a brother who is depressed just like my mom. And a father who controls every aspect of my life and does so many things to treat me wrong that I could write a novel. My sophomore year of high school was when things started to get to be too much. I had learned how to deal with all of the problems on my own, but that was when I just couldn’t do it anymore. I took up cutting and self harm and grew in the habit of doing it everyday. It became the one thing that actually helped me through all the hurt and the feelings of worthlessness. Later that year, something traumatic happened and I didn’t feel like self harm was enough, so I tried to commit suicide. My parents don’t know about that to this day. I failed because someone walked in on me trying to do it. I get better, but still self harmed for the next year and a half. Then come Senior year of high school things got really rough again and that was when my second self harm attempt happened. I failed, yet again. My family doesn’t know about that attempt either. Then come college, I get happy and excited because I finally get to get away, but things didn’t get any easier. I had a bad freshman year experience, but I did my best to push through. Come this past summer, I got the worst I have ever been. I stayed on campus over the summer because being home is too hard for me. I cry every time I have to go home because it is too hard. I stayed to avoid it. I ended up never leaving my room, never eating, never sleeping, and avoiding contact with everybody. My best friend became really concerned, so he started to comfort me. That was the first time, I admitted my struggles to anyone. He was the first to find out about my self harm issue and my suicidal thoughts that occur on a regular basis. I really opened up to him. At first, he was just going to keep it between us and help me through it. But, then he realized that it was beyond his help. I had been cutting for two hours straight because I couldn’t stop. I hadn’t eaten in 4 days because couldn’t get myself to eat. I hadn’t slept in a week because my mind wouldn’t come to a rest. I fell to the ground one night because I hadn’t slept in so long and that was when I opened up to him even more. He hadn’t known before that moment that I haven’t been sleeping. During that week, I had a total number of 5 suicidal attempts. All failed. I told him that because I couldn’t keep that big of a secret from him. I had already planned out a plot to end my life and I had written suicide letters to all of the people that I cared about. I was prepared. That was when he knew that he had to tell somebody. I had gotten to the point where even my self harm had gotten so bad that I cut so deep that the bleeding wouldn’t stop for half an hour. He warned me that he was going to tell someone. He said that he tried to respect me, but he couldn’t risk losing me. The next morning I got a call from authority on campus. They escorted me to the local mental health clinic and I got put on medication, I got put with a psychiatrist, and I got paired with a counselor. The only reason that they didn’t admit me was because I lied and said that I didn’t have suicidal thoughts anymore. I was so mad at my best friend. I felt like he betrayed me. I didn’t talk to him for two days. I eventually came to the realization that he needed to do that. That was the best things, and the fact that he had the willingness to lose our friendship in order to help me really showed me something. He’s the first real friend that I have had. He taught me all there is to know about friendship. I had never done it before him, so I didn’t know how to be one. Anyway, that was the worst experience of my life. I was forced to stay with authority on campus for three days until they trusted me to be in my own space. Someone else had to be in control of my medication for 3 weeks until they trusted me. Things seemed to have gotten better after that with a little bit of time. Or at least that’s what I showed people and that’s what I convinced myself of. Come a couple of days ago and I had yet again, tried to commit suicide. I would have succeeded this time had I not have texted my best friend again. I have been struggling this entire semester. I’ve been avoiding people, I haven’t had motivation for anything. It all caught up to me. A couple of nights ago, I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was how much I didn’t want to be here. So, I had a plan. It was 12:30 in the morning. I went on a walk. I convinced myself to text my friend and admit to what I wanted to do. I basically said goodbye, forever. My friend sprinted over to my building, chased after me and refused to leave my side. I got told on again. I yelled at my friend, he left because I yelled at him. When I got back to campus an hour later, four people were waiting to talk to me. I then got escorted to the local mental health clinic again. Now, here I am. Having to start this whole recovery journey again. Self harm is still an issue. Suicidal thoughts are still an issue. The feelings of worthlessness is still an issue. Depression, anxiety are still an issue. I’m now in the starting process again of recovery and seeking the help that I need. Although, I have a tendency of lying to people and making it seem like I’m doing better than I actually am. My family still doesn’t support me. I told my parents today about what’s been going on and they called me stupid and said that I’m a waste of time. So, now I get to sit here and think about everything and wish with my whole heart that I could just cut some more. But, it kills me that I can’t do that. Anyways, I’m sorry that this is so dreary. This journal blog is going to be my journey to recovery. So, that’s my story and I just have to keep telling myself, one day it will be better. Eventually, I will learn to believe it. Thanks.

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