Chop Suey

Everybody is wrong in this house I live in…we all have our illnesses and sufferings that cannot be understood or imagined by another. Understanding things that seem alien to you has never been a human beings greatest attribute. My mum, father and I all have the right to be upset and angry about our illnesses/conditions…they have had different devastating effects on our mental wellbeing and living day to day is even more hard and tiring. Especially with mum, she takes out all the upset and anger of her past illness and current conditions on my father and I. Maybe that’s why she’s never struggled with severe mental health issues, she has no problem yelling and yelling at me and my dad day in day out and in that way she’s letting all her frustration out. My dad is very much like me, usually, being silent and internalising most of the anger and upset. Obviously I have always had the tendency to take out intense emotions on myself rather than others, even though there have been a few times where I have failed to cage the beast tearing me apart from within…and I hate those times, they are part of being constantly torn to shreds over and over on the inside. The pain of all this violence within is indescribable and no one could ever understand.

My mother and I had an argument about money a few days back and she knows I get upset about it as I’ve never been allowed a job, she pushes my buttons and likes to see what kind of wound up state she knows my illness will cause me to get in. I hate living in this house, I really do. My parents don’t seem to realise I’d give and do anything to have my own place with Harry. Even though my dad was changed completely by his mental illness, it is the change in my mum after her cancer battle which I can’t cope with. At the best of times dad can really upset me, but usually he doesn’t as he’s so drugged up on heavy medication. But my mum…when we were arguing about the fact dad had given me his card to fill up the car we all drive with petrol she was all like ‘I’m your mother..’ and I actually replied ‘sometimes I wonder,’ I know that was not nice at all but I was being 100% honest. I don’t recognise the person she has become now and it’s worse since I was certainly not closest to her when I was a child, it was my dad I was closest to. My mum has become so bitter and constantly complains and I wish I could up and leave but Harry…he’s SO fond of my parents. I’m not sure that right now I could stress him out and separating him from his grandparents is not the best thing to do whilst he is still struggling and adjusting to this court order thanks to his dad. No…I’m stuck here and it literally feels like I’m suffocating.

The latest drama was about none other than a fucking TV. Wasn’t in the shop by last Thursday as was promised by the shop. My dad and I told my mum to wait but she said the customer service just wasn’t good enough. She was right because when they went to pick up the TV from the shop and it wasn’t there, they said they’d phone her and they would never call back. But despite the shop being  little incompetent and slow I don’t think it was worth getting so upset over. My mum rang the credit card company and was yelling at them for ages as they couldn’t seem to cancel the transaction…the credit card companies often request to speak to my father as my parents have joint accounts but his name seems to be the prevalent one for some odd reason. My dad is no longer well enough to speak on the phone with people like credit card companies and my mum has been saying it for years but they still insist they need to speak to my dad or they can’t do whatever it is my mum is requesting.

Anyway my dad went to pick up the TV because my mum is in a complete state and doesn’t seem to be talking to me or dad at all (she becomes very passive aggressive) and she had yelled earlier that dad could go pick up the TV or do whatever he likes, she doesn’t care. Hmm yeah you’re practically in the state of breakdown because you don’t care, I see.

How much longer do I have to live in this hell house? We’re all ill, we all have the right to be ill but all mum does is take it out on me and dad CONSTANTLY and it creates a horrible atmosphere that we all have to live in. We’re all selfish, we only think of our own illnesses and ok we can do that but at the same time it is just us three and we have no family or friends that live locally so you’d think my mum would have had the decency to not turn into Mrs. De Sanchez (my A-Level Spanish teacher who survived cancer but became bitter too and was always nasty and angry to everyone, no one liked her not even the teachers) and become a minion of the Anti-Christ too but she has but I have to put up with her until Harry’s a bit more older to understand things better.

When I had that argument a few days back with mum I was so upset I took a small overdose of Lorazepm (6mg) and did so the next day. I’ve been exhausted as a result 🙁 I just get so upset I do anything to calm the emotions down. My mum doesn’t look at me and smile anymore, I looked at her with a smile but she just ignores me and stares straight into the distance, se barely acknowledges me…when I stare at her long enough she just lets out an irritated and hostile ‘what?’ If I ask her something and she doesn’t answer and I moan she wasn’t listening I ask her to repeat what I just said and she says ‘to be honest I just wasn’t paying any attention,’ and she does this to my dad a lot too. Urgh just who is she? Where is my mum? She lets me stay in the house and I know that and I am grateful (I think) but she makes my time her a complete misery. It’s like a homeless person being offered a house in hell and they take it cuz at least it’s shelter with food an warmth!!

Harry’s doing completely fine btw, still happy happy 🙂

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