Life As A Dreamer

I cannot begin to describe how I am feeling.

is it numbness? is the cold weather making me lose my mind?
I feel… frozen, but I want to burn or feel, anything, something that isn’t nothing.

I wouldn’t say I am sad or down about my life, but at the same time… I am not totally enthused. I am maybe just… comfortable?

which between you and me, “comfortable” can be a very dangerous position to be in

if you know me, you know I am a dreamer. I preach and talk about living life to the fullest. I offer the best advice to my friends: “quit that job, it’s killing you”. “buy that ticket, what’s stopping you”, “lower your guard. fall in love”.” travel the world. what do you have to lose?” “forgive.” “heal.”

I am all about making impulsive life choices such as moving across the country, taking a leap of faith and applying for the job of your dreams. I am all about big gestures. making the decision to tell someone you love them even when you aren’t sure they will say it in return. I am all here for the huge and life changing moments. it’s who I am.

but…

what about the moments in between? what about the life that is lived in the middle of a big event or another huge life choice? what happens to the ordinary days where you are simply just living life? what happens when your heart isn’t broken, but doesn’t exactly feel full either?

I am not lonely, but I wouldn’t say I feel entirely fulfilled. I am not anxious, but I am not exactly calm either. I am not bored, but I feel like I need to do something more than what I am doing.

the day continues to pass by me and all of a sudden I realize it is nearing 9PM; and I have to ask myself why did I just waste the last twelve hours.

some days, I remain untouched by the world; I just float and float into the next sunrise.

I really don’t want to just be here. I don’t want to just float through life, not amounting to anything. I want to fall and fail and try to fly some more. I want to fall madly in love with my life and with someone who reciprocates that love. I want to go on adventure after adventure, traveling to every corner of the world, experience new cultures.

I don’t want to remain so numb to the world- so unscathed to the world around me. 

I want to again be able to find some kind of meaning in every single day, even the quiet and cold days; the days that don’t seem to say anything at all.

I want to find meaning in the in between, meaning in between the happy and sad, in between the lonely and loving.

I want to be able to again find the extraordinary in even the most ordinary

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