Monday February 12th

My first period class was a little crazy this morning. My two favorite boys were a mess. Throwing pencils at each other, doing mostly things they’re not supposed to be doing. I had a headache before they had left the room. Ugh. I hope the rest of the day is not equally as challenging. It’s mornings like that that make me question my ability to do this job as an older person. It’s tough now at almost 48, but will I be able to do it at almost 58? That’s the main reason I need an easier job down town. Classroom teaching is the hardest job there is in the school system. That’s a fact. I had the chance to get out of it many years ago, but I got back in. Now I have bounced around so much that I am not worth anything, I think. I gave up my tenure when I moved to NY, and I won’t even get it back next year because I am fucking one day short of 140 days for this year to count. If that’s not some serious shit. I stayed up too late last night. It was after 10 when I went to bed. I think I am signed up to work a ballgame tomorrow and I have my therapy appt as well. I am not going to name the ballgame and just leave and go on to my therapy appt. If he says something to me during the school day tomorrow, I will try to get out of if, and if I cant, I will have to cancel my therapy appt even though I really need it. Last night at dinner, I sat in a booth between Noah and Brent. I’m sure half of Brent’s ass was hanging out of the booth because he was trying so hard not to be near me and definitely made sure not to make contact with me. There was plenty of room for the holy spirit between us. It makes me feel really angry that he rejects me like that. I want to shake him and ask him what is wrong with him that he can’t just give us a chance- give our family a chance. Why must he treat me that way? 

I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up. I know I have to – at least for John and Sophie. They are my responsibility and I need to care for them until their deaths. My daughter says she is the happiest she’s ever been. I really am glad that she is happy with her life, but I am deeply unhappy with mine, and have been for a few years now. I need something to go right. Just one fucking thing to go my way. A job, finances, a relationship, just ONE thing- doesn’t have to be everything is perfect, but jesus, can’t I just have one tiny thing that is going well for me? Why must everything fucking suck 24/7?

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