My life so far

So I’m writing this pretty much because right now I am I don’t know mad? Maybe confused, yeah let’s go with that. I thought I’ll make an online diary which wouwo be  pretty much my life written. To start I’ll need to tell you guys how my life went so far right? My earliest memories are from like 12 years ago. Me and my family being together everything’ s good. Then one day I remember my parents arguing and that was a pretty serious fight. I got really scared back then. However on the next day everything seemed fine. 2 years later my mom is telling me let’s go visit your grandparents of course I’m all happy. Even though i found it odd why we have so much luggage. It was a year later when i finally understood that we won’t ever go back to my dad and older sister. I started school. We barely had enough money for anything. My mom was gravelly sick. And all that alcohol wasn’t helping at all. At the time we were living in my grandparents place. At one point my mom stopped smoking and drinking. That was after a visit to the doctor which slapped her like really hard. My scholl life was pretty bad i think. Almost every day I was beaten from the alpha males in class.My mom was always telling me to fight back but i couldn’t harm anyone so I never did fight back. At that time I thought :

“Why they are doing this to me? I haven’t done anything to them, or have I?” 

Being unable to understand that they don’t need any reason to beat the crap outta me I thought that i must be doing something wrong. There was that one time when i actually tried to fight back but started crying from the though that i’ll harm someone.The next umm let’s call it stage in my life would be when me and my mom left my grandparents to start new life in the big city. I was at 7 grade and i had to live for a while with only my uncle which i would see for an hour at most per day. Why is that? Well my mom had trouble in her previous job so she couldn’t move right away and school had started so i had to.4 mmonths later mom finally came. That year in scholl was pure hell. Education was at zero the surrounding was awful i mean i couldn’t select schools there was no time ans that one was closest to home.After that year we moved in another flat. Gosh i recall the pain in my arms. So we moved in the flat i’m in right now. It’s pretty noisy but i got used to it.I moved in different scholl after 7th grade. It was stressful but after moving i met my best friend,  Alex.Awesome person just like me except he is normal . Years went by (gosh that sounds so cringy coming from a little child with zero experience in life) i got to 9th grade,I met a girl she was in 7th grade at that time. We got into a couple of  argumets because of someone’s jealousy. So lana(let’s call my girlfriend with that) found a girl in our group a threat for our relationship. Long story short we split up but after a month I decided we both desedes a second chance. I asked lana if she wants to try again. And she said yes. After my dad had contact with me only on my birthdays and the way he was talking and moving. I felt resent and even at the moment i feel just one big hole. I really need someone to love and to be loved. We was really happy together but one day she told me she wants to split up for the stupidiest reasons i’ve ever heard. So I went to her place and we talked like a lot. Shortly after that we was together. .. Again. One of her arguments was that she wanted to be happy again and when I told her “Okay I understand but aren’t you happy with me?” She actually replied yes. So 2 years have gone by and after that little um I don’t know what to call it maybe unsafety or something of hers. We were really happy everything was like my dream relationship. I was the gentleman towards her which many people will agree I am. We didn’t have sex even though I’m really lewd but you know she is too young so i left it up to her. And I believe that is how it has to be. That aside everything was like a dream I really loved her and felt she loved me back.So before a month or so (right now I’m in 11th grade) after asking her what’s wrong she told me she is thinking really hard about something. Of course as always i told her that I’m there for her and and whatever happens I’ll be by her side. This time she told me that she is all alone and have to decide that on her own. I felt uneasy I already knew where this was going. After a week she finally told me she wants to split up. But what she said afterwards shocked me. She told me that during the past year she was thinking of splitting up . I was really moved because the last year with her was one big lie. She also told me she wanted to be more free which I don’t understand because I didn’t restrain her by any means yet she was feeling that way. She also told me how she wanted to make her dreams come true all by herself. I accepted that told her goodbye. So up to day information I found out lana has a new boyfriend 2 weeks after she broke with me. So much for the I want to do things all by myself . I realize that she made up shit just to break up with me. So that’s a x2 combo of lies and insults all packed. I’m really sad I can’t sleep at all I mean I have to get up for school after an hour so yeah. I still think about her she is just the best maybe she is confused right now or something, but I can say one thing for sure I really do love her even after those insults… There is a lot of things I missed but I will fill in the next updates. I’m just trying to absorb my reality right now. 

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