2/12/18 — choices, choices

So I currently have two guys I’m involved with. Does that make me a slut? I’m not in any serious commitment with either one of them. One doesn’t want to be my boyfriend while the other’s giving me the power to choose what kind of relationship I want. So me fooling around with these two at the same time shouldn’t be an issue, right?

One of them is a guy named Marcus. I met him sometime during the summer. Thought he was straight, but he revealed to me that he leans more towards men, and has been in more gay situations than straight ones. So naturally when I found this out a couple days ago, the two of us hung out and I gave him head. 

The second guy is Dwayne. My ex boyfriend. I talked about him in a previous journal entry. He’s the one who went to jail. He’s the meth-head who may or may not have HIV. He’s the one most people want me to stay away from. I hung out with him earlier today, walking around while one of the parades went on. We snuck off to this secluded area by the bayou side, we cuddled a bit, talked, and he gave me head. Was a pretty relaxing time, despite his really loud and obnoxious personality. 

I guess I have three choices here. I could have a serious relationship with Dwayne. We could officially become boyfriends. Or I could decide to choose Marcus and have a secret friends-with-benefits relationship with him as he is in the closet to everyone else. Or! I could be the selfish little whore I am and have them both. No real commitments. Neither of them should get hurt. But then again, taking this route and choosing the both of them doesn’t quite sit well with me. I feel dirty.

Dwayne offered to let me go with him to Mississippi if he ends up moving. And honestly, I don’t know if I’d want to go with him or not. I can’t imagine leaving behind all of my friends. But I want so badly to just leave my dad. I can’t stand to be here anymore. He acts like he can control my life. I want out. Moving to another state can be my escape. But I don’t know…

If anyone has any sort of advice, I’d greatly appreciate it. Then again, this journal entry will probably go unnoticed. I decided to type this up before midnight hit. I’m tired of talking about events a whole day or two after they happen. Like how I hadn’t brought up the Marcus event two days ago until now.

Anyways, goodnight journal.

11:48 PM
2/12/18

2 thoughts on “2/12/18 — choices, choices”

  1. In my honest opinion, enjoy both of their company if that’s what you want. But if you move with this guy to Alabama, you will be in an even more defenseless position if it doesn’t work out. You won’t know anyone or have any kind of support if something happens. If you want to move out, do it on your own terms. Personally as fun as both of these guys are, I wouldn’t take them seriously at this point. I don’t know your life or journey, but I hope it was of some help.

  2. *Mississippi, not Alabama, hehe.

    And yeah, I get what you’re saying. My dad isn’t the type who’d kick me out. He was homeless at twelve, he knows what it feels like. So if I moved out, I know I could always return home. And being two to three hours away (which is a distance that my friend group usually makes for our late-night road trips) isn’t that big of an issue. I could always go home when I want to. I still have a month or two to decide. Thanks for the advice though. For now I guess I’ll keep the both of them until it’s time to make a definite decision.

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