As angry as I’ve been doing sounding, I am actually getting done what needs to be done…so that’s good at least. I took Harry to the hospital yesterday to have a hearing test and he did really well; his hearing is fine and his ears are clear and he was given two dog stickers for participating so well in the tests. It was very cute to watch actually, he had to either stack a coloured ring on a stick whenever he heard a bird noise which was played at different pitches and volumes or he’d have to put a little wooden person in a boat. The test was repeated but with Harry wearing headphones which he thankfully kept on and didn’t seem to mind wearing. It was really funny because Harry would gasp every time he’d hear the bird and he started counting the people and saying the colours of the rings, so sweet! Harry loved his two dog stickers.

This morning I had to take Harry to the dentists. A couple of other people waiting and the receptionist asked me how old he was and said he was extremely well behaved for being two and a half! They must have thought he was older. Harry drives me mad but he is a good kid compared to many. Harry teeth are fine thank goodness, no cavities or signs or any. I brush his teeth morning and night and lately it’s been more difficult as he wriggles and bites harder on the toothbrush than he did when he was younger but I get very determined! Harry obviously loved having the sticker the dentist gave him afterwards, very happy with all the stickers he’s been getting. After the dentists I took him to the local co op in the village where I live to try get him pick a card for his father’s birthday this Friday but unfortunately the chocolate aisle was opposite the aisle with the cards and Harry wasn’t paying any attention to the cards, just staring and pointing at all the chocolate. As well as the card I bought Harry a packet of magic stars because I use them to reward him for taking his vitamins and for letting me cut his nails and things like that lol! Then we went to the pharmacy to pick up his special bath emollient for his eczema. Then I had to take him to nursery as goes 1-4pm every Tuesday and Thursday. I think he recognises the journey because as I was parking up he started saying no thank you! I don’t know why the last week and a bit he hasn’t been wanting to go to nursery. Thing is when we got inside he did the usual thing of shutting the door at me so I guess he did want to go after all!

After dropping Harry off at nursery I got our car cleaned (see I always pay for the car to be cleaned so I do contribute costs to the car!) and they put a pink car air-freshener in it. Harry will be so pleased! Harry seems to adore these car air-fresheners in the shape of different coloured hearts…the first one he noticed months ago was a bright red heart one in the car I drive. Every time I put him in the car he’d say ‘Corazon rojo!!’ which is the Spanish for ‘red heart.’ Eventually he wanted it and I let him have it…my mum obviously wasn’t pleased with this at first but she’s calmed down slightly about it now. Harry took his red heart everywhere, even to the nursery a bunch of times. He spent a lot of time going round the house hanging it in carious places. Then obviously I got my car washed again and I got a yellow heart and he wanted that one. Next time I got the car washed there was a green heart! Harry collects them all up and carries them around the house hanging them in different places with a lot of pride and fondness. My mum got her car cleaned recently after not having had it washed for at least six months and she got a yellow heart. Harry actually noticed it hanging in her car when I carried him from the other car and past my mum’s car in the driveway. My mum was definitely annoyed and unhappy about giving hers up so quickly but she let him have it despite all the complaining. In the end my dad just said to her ‘it’s a piece of cardboard for goodness sakes!’ Even though my dad is right these comments make my mum even worse. Anyway when I pick up Harry from nursery in half an hour he’ll be very happy to see a new heart in my car that I’ll obviously have to give to him 🙂 He doesn’t have a pink one so this will be good! Maybe it’ll help him learn that pink and red are separate colours, he calls anything pink red too. I’ll also get Harry to scribble colours in the birthday card for his dad tonight, he’ll enjoy that, Harry likes using his crayons to mark birthday cards for people.

I’ve actually been depressed today…yeah I’m not using the term incorrectly I have been feeling so unhappy today I’ve cried and have wanted to cry on and off. I am just feeling so sad. I went to a hospital appointment when Harry was in nursery last Thursday because I was cursed with an overactive bladder it would seem at only age 21 during my inpatient stay at Heatherwood Court 🙁 Whilst being pregnant then breast feeding Harry the urologists couldn’t do further testing or try any medication but when I stopped breast feeding and picked up the prescription that I had to have renewed by a GP I didn’t notice much of a difference in the symptoms. I have done many charts for the doctors and now I have to do another one. From these charts it shows I have to go to the toilet about 26 times a day 🙁 I don’t wet myself or have any kind of incontinence issues I just need the fucking toilet all the time and it’s a complete nightmare to live with. But the doctor said since I’ve tried the different medications the next step is a procedure under anaesthetic to have my bladder injected with Botox and they are not just one off injections. The doctor I saw doesn’t want to go to the next step as I am only 29 and with these injections there’s a big risk of the bladder not being able to function at all after the Botox injection and I’d have to self-catheterise until my bladder recovers which would take between six-twelve months. The injections do work but if the bladder becomes paralysed by it there’s nothing I can do except self-catheterise until the injection wears off in 6-12 months. So basically I have to put up with going to the toilet 26 times a day for the rest of my days…is that worse than injections that could go wrong the rest of my life? Urgh. I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t believe that nothing else could be done.

I have been feeling so sad and fucked up generally that I took five of dad’s zopiclone tablets last night and today after crying I consumed 8mg of Lorazepam. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore really. But I seem to be carrying on, I know I have to carry on. I haven’t been very patient with Harry again though…maybe these overdoses are just making me too tired which is in turn making me more irritable. I’m scared. For Harry more than myself.

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