So, this week, California has been exceptionally cold. Yes, literally. I can’t believe it. I am BAFFLED. Flabbergasted, some would say. Tonight, I walked out of a meeting into fifty-two degree rain. Dear California, please recognize this as your token Texas girl’s official notice that she is pressing charges for attempted MURDER. It’s absurd, really. Idk who runs this joint but I need a word with them.
Okay, enough about the weather. I promised a peak into my life in L.A. and I intend to give just that. First off, I want to be clear: the first few months of being in a new city on your own for the first time in your life is just a really drawn out series of different floorings that you land on butt first after life has sucker punched you square in the face and then tweeted it to all your friends. IT IS INCREDIBLY UNPLEASANT. There is, though, one thing that is certain: as soon as you’ve figured something out, no, you haven’t, and you should immediately take a bath and reconsider everything. I’m talking down to what the first type of baby food you had was. Were you breastfed? Take a minute and consider if that was REALLY right for you. What I’m trying to say is, there is no end to the mistake making and the wishing that you knew then what you know now.
[Ex: I wish that I would’ve known that if I got a month’s worth of contacts free, Hubble would charge me $40 a month and keep sending me blurry contacts that I can’t wear and that it is challenging to cancel a subscription with an online company, especially if they distribute contacts.]
I started here with a leg up, because my sister lives here. I know that if anything awful were to happen (like in November when my throat closed and I spent a week in the hospital on IV morphine, which, by the way, is AMAZING when used legally and for medical purposes. I totally see how people get addicted.) my sister would be there. However, ladies and gents, having your sister does NOT mean that when you rip up your own foundation and remove yourself from all comfort zones, you will not spend months struggling with yourself and remembering insecurities that cut you to the core before you found a rhythm in your life. Patterns keep us steady. Don’t mistake being steady for being confident, and don’t consider something to be “dealt with” just because it doesn’t come up anymore. Those are dangerous games, my friend.
When I was a kid, a middle child to be exact, I wasn’t the most popular kid around. I cried a lot and I wasn’t naturally nice and I was constantly sad and altogether just one giant bad vibe. To be honest, although I regret some choices like any human, I don’t regret being sad. I learned a lot in sadness. It calmed me. It still does. When I’ve had a stressful day or am full of anxiety, I listen to really sad songs. Maybe it’s because sadness was comfortable for me. Huh… interesting thought. Anyways, due to a series of being treated like and told that I wasn’t wanted by multiple people (you tend to believe something if two people who don’t know each other say the exact same thing), my biggest insecurity became a fear of not being wanted. That fear and insecurity put my closest friends through hell, and it caused me to lose the only guy I ever loved. I am only twenty-two, and I will obviously love again, but it is still one of the hardest things I’ve had to accept. But the truth is, if we don’t take charge of our insecurities, they will eat into our relationships. Because relation is based on perception, and perception is filtered by insecurities.
The pain I felt with anything that even made me second guess being wanted was relentless. It was an insatiable pit that swallowed my entire body for days at a time. I never knew how long it would be, it just had to run its course like a flu shot. It controlled me. But whats worse, is that it drove me. I was constantly working so hard to be wanted, that I was working against the very qualities that make me desirable. My individuality, and original thoughts. They were shut up and filtered through what I knew people would or wouldn’t want. I was ACTIVELY working against myself. No freakin wonder every day I would go back and forth on whether or not I hated myself.
Before I moved to L.A., I hadn’t felt this feeling since high school. But when I came here, the house I built around my insecurities to make them look pretty was destroyed, and left bare, I realized I never dealt with the things that it housed. As hard as it was leaving everyone I loved behind, coming here on my own forced me to stop blaming other people for my insecurities. There was no one left to blame, and I still struggled with my darkness. I finally realized that regardless of who gave me my scars, they were MINE now and I was the one who decided where they fit and if they had a say in my decisions.
One night, at a club in Hollywood, a producer was asking me about where I was from and how I grew up. Finally, he asked, “If you could go back and tell your childhood self one thing that could change your life, what would it be?” I answered immediately without thinking, “I wish I hadn’t spent so much time trying to be wanted by people who will never want me.” I was as shocked as he was. For the first time, that night, I realized that more than my struggle of not being wanted, I was livid with myself for how much of my ONE life time I had spent figuring out how to make people want me instead of getting to know myself and letting my rooted passions drive me.
There is an episode of The Office where Erin and Andy are doing Gabe’s Valentines scavenger hunt that he designed for Erin. At one point, it leads them into Darryl’s office where there is a CD player waiting. Darryl is working fervently, and when Andy and Erin play the CD, it’s Gabe’s nasty voice saying “the temp at night” in a creepy tone over weird sci-fi music. After they figure out what it’s saying, they sit there and let it play while discussing whether he can hear them or not until Darryl finally says, “I can hear you. Pick it up, and take it out. Pick. it. up. Take. it. out.” and goes back to working. I am doing things that I’m passionate about here and working hard on them. I’m Darryl. And my insecurities are Gabe and his weird, gross, croaky voice. God, he’s so disturbing. The point is, I know what my insecurities say. I heard them loud and clear. But I choose to not let them play on repeat and disturb what I want to do with my life. Imagine how long that GD CD would’ve gone on if Darryl hadn’t said, “Pick. it. up. Take. it. out.”
I’m taking my flaws and building with them, not around them this time. I refuse to let anymore of my life go to waste on digging deeper into insatiability. Are the things people say true? Maybe. Yes, sometimes. But, honestly, so what? It absolutely DOES NOT MATTER who wants me or why someone doesn’t. It’s like somebody’s really embarrassing dad finding an orange vest and directing traffic with absolutely no real authority. People can fling their arms and point where they think I should go, but I’m the one behind the wheel. And I kicked my insecurities and all their back seat driving out of the car. (Which is a Range Rover in the picture I have in my head) VROOM VROOM MOFOS.