Just like I thought. Valentine’s Day was just as miserable as expected. Only not for the reason as I had thought. I thought about suicide this afternoon. I came really close to it, actually. I had been feeling fine in the first half of the day, then someone said something to me that wasn’t even relevant at all, but it hurt me a lot. It blew me off the edge and I didn’t want to have to deal with anything. I just couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that I basically have nothing for me. No family, no money, no job, no home, and no future. It hurts like crap to think about and if I don’t have anything going for me, I don’t have a reason to be living anymore. The only thing that sucks even more than wanting to end your own life, is when you’re head full of worry won’t let you because you can’t stop thinking about the one person who has been there for you through everything. The one person who kept me here the last time I almost succeeded at attempting suicide. Do I want to let him down? Do I want to hurt him? Either I suck up the pain and the agony until I feel it no more, or I let it go, finish it off, and hurt my best friend for the rest of his life. I’m not sure if I want to do that to him. That’s what sucks more than wanting to end your own life…Not being able to.
I got a call from my sister, who told me that her one way of paying for college, our way, has decided not to pay for her college anymore. She was in tears because her future is being messed with. Without that source, she can’t go anymore. She was devastated and I didn’t know how to help her. Especially when the source was our own father. The person that has traumatized us the most in our lives, but has complete dictation over our future because he’s the trustee over our college money until we are 25. It was hard to not have anything encouraging to say to help your own sister. Especially when you’re struggling yourself.
I think I’ve decided that I’m going to turn myself in to the mental health hospital. The last time I got turned it for having several attempts of suicide, it was just a clinic and I lied to them, so I never got committed. I told them that I was fine and they just put me on meds along with a counselor and a psychiatrist. Now here I am a couple of months later, struggling more than I ever have been. I don’t see hope for myself, and I have a problem with that. I’m tired of constantly thinking out ways of how I could hurt myself to make myself feel better or thinking about ways that I could end myself. I know that isn’t healthy, I know I need help. So, I talked about it to my sister, and she agreed that it’s what would probably need. I’m desperate to get better and I’m desperate for the help. My friends who have helped me so much for the past couple of months have been wonderful, but it’s gotten past their limits. I need professional. What makes this decision incredibly hard, is the fact that when my dad finds out about this decision, he will disown me even more than he already has. By doing this, I’m basically deciding to make my no family, final. They won’t want to help me with expenses, they won’t want to help me with anything. So, I’m basically going to be on my own. That’s hard and sucks that I have to do this without them and figure out a way that I can survive through this, but I know I need it. And if they can’t support me through even this, even though this will help my life, then maybe them disowning me will be for the best.