I forgot…

I’m a forgetful individual. I forget more than I care to admit.. but here’s a short-ish list… with a rant or deviation. 

I often, sometimes purposefully forget to do my chores

I forget what its like to feel respect 

self-worth, man did i forget what that was 

i’ve forgotten what it feels like to be courted, flirted with, intentionally pursued. 

forgotten how to flirt back 

forgotten to make sure NOT to let the cat escape.

forgotten to check every cash invoice at work 

how to separate my professional life with my almost non-existent personal life, I’m filled with dread as i sit back and watch whats supposed to be MY life, parade just outside my grasp. I forget im a strong individual with moral and common sense. 

i forget im a force to be reckoned with should it come to it. i forget to act like the badass bitch ive convinced others i can be 

tbh to quote Loki Laufeyson, I am burdened by a glorious purpose… unlike Loki, sexy MF God of Mischief.. ive yet to discover what that purpose is. 

Im good at making you feel good, because i practice on my self and find what works. but im still here, still moping, still trying to figure out what to do with the game ive been dealt. 

All of a sudden my memory fails me in the things that make one’s self, feel like one in a million and not just a droplet of very sad blue water in an ocean of strong waves and currents.  

all of a sudden this inconsequential individual comes into my life with ya smooth talkin, and analogy speaking self and I am INTRIGUED by this and how you approach me. like what is this? is this the norm? is this sexual prowess, now directed at me, supposed to make me feel uncomfortable, because it doesnt, it makes me feel… what i forgot to feel for myself. i know nothing will come of this, im not interested, but i like the attention. i like feeling attracted to. but i feel bad for liking it… 

at the same time 

I’m struggling with the imminent ending of my 2year 7 months and 18 days of pain and hurting and doubts with seconds of happiness and complacency. even if i cant forget the love in my heart for this man, i also cant forget the dishonesty and lack of affection. im with you but im alone. and im alone and decidedly unhappy in this alone togetherness weve come to call our life…. 

I forget how it feels to be my own woman. my own adult. just my own. 

I cant forget ive hurt you, i cant justify why i hurt you, its never been my intention.. but i cant forget how you hurt me either. 

Most of all i forget how problems only matter when your feelings are hurt. and i certainly will not forget how its only ever my problem when my feelings are hurt.. which is often.

If my lonely is unhappy but together, would it change if my lonely was truly alone?

i aspire to find out. youre getting it together but for who? for me or you? i forget to ask… but if im going to feel alone.. might as well make it a happy alone…..

i pray i dont forget.. 

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