When you’re a stay at home Mom, unemployed, disabled, etc. you have plenty of time to think. Last night I found a fixer upper home in serious need of an overhaul. It was only built 10 or so years ago but whomever lived there was angry at someone, to say the least. It needs an entire kitchen, new flooring, etc. You get the idea. But it had this beautiful exterior made of stone and modern, darker colors. The backside had a porch that span across the entire house and half of it was covered. It had floor to ceiling windows and it sat on a one acre parcel surrounded by trees. I looked into rehabbing it and called a real estate friend of ours this morning. At my doctor appointment I made a joke that it’d be gone by the time I could do anything to get my hopes up. On my way home I get a text saying it’s status has changed to pending. Just my luck, it’s gone. I tell myself that if it was meant to be then God would make it happen. If not, perhaps there will be another or, maybe it’s not what I’m meant to do… Though, the thought of getting to rehab it and choose all the finishes sure sounds like a great way to make a house a home. I imagined what the kitchen would look like and building a fire pit in the backyard. I didn’t get my hopes up too high since I haven’t even seen it, much less started the home buying process, but it was fun to fantasize. But then I think about how I love to travel and how my other idea was to buy a truck and rv and go traveling wherever, whenever, for as long as I wanted. Waking up in new places, by the water, stopping as much or as little as I want sounds like so much fun to me. Really, all I need is the dog, and together, we’re good. I won’t be able to do that if I buy a house. But if I don’t buy a house, I’ll have to commit to that kind of lifestyle as I’ll no longer have a home base and won’t have the extra funds to afford both. As I walk around my home now, I think about what I’d like and don’t like… I think about my limitations and needs. I’d like 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, one being a master bath preferably. Or two bedrooms and an office. I’d like a big living space and an open concept. I’m a huge fan of the country, shabby chic, “Fixer Upper” style kitchens and home decor. I want at least a two car garage, a shop would be far fetched for my budget but a wishlist item for sure. A big backyard is a must. Mostly for the dog but also for bbq’s, entertaining and a firepit, of course. I don’t want to live in a neighborhood where we’re stacked on top of each other, but I wouldn’t mind neighbors of some sort. No HOA dues. I don’t know… It sounds fancy but honestly, the house I rent now is the oldest of all the houses I looked at and it isn’t renovated at all ha-ha. But somehow, I kept looking at it online before it was available. When I saw it in person, it smelled funny ha-ha. Yet somehow, it still felt like home. My mom and sister saw it and immediately said the same thing. Oh and I want a porch! Of some sort that is. This home has a small front porch. In a perfect world I’d have on like I described, spanning the length of the house and partially covered. I’d sit outside when it’s raining with a blanket and cocoa if I had a covered porch. But then we’re back to traveling… I love our day trips and I think to myself that this world is so much bigger than the state I live in and if I’m not able to go back to work anytime soon then why not? My family is here and I love them but they all have families and lives of their own so it’s not like they need me. I read blogs and see pictures and follow forums and part of me just feels excited about the idea… My parents freak out because I don’t want to map out a trip but why should I? The point is that I don’t need a plan. For the first time in my life, this is just about going wherever I want! I can plan along the way, or not! There’s no one telling me what I can or can’t do, where I can or can’t go and when I need to be there by. I could look up attractions or just wander like I do on my day trips. I’m serious when I say that if I have the dog with me then we’re good. I could live out of a truck if I had to since my dad is so worried about me losing money on a camper ha-ha. Alright, let’s be honest, with my physical limitations and disability, I probably couldn’t live out of a truck. But my point is, why is traveling such a crazy idea to everyone? Why are they so against it? Yeah, I’m a girl, on my own, I get that. But I read solo traveler blogs and female traveling blogs, too. I know safety precautions and I’d have a gun. I also have a Pitbull. Not that she’s mean but she looks tough so there’s that. And it’s not like I’m going to post on social media where I am or do anything stupid that might put me in jeopardy… I’m restless here. I love my home but it’s not even mine. And I’m stuck here ALL THE TIME. I have doctors appointments and that in itself wears me out… My friends have faded away and there’s no cure in site for me. So why stay put? I mean… Back to the house thing, I love the idea of “planting roots” and having a little something to call mine. But the reality is, all the things I listed are so far out of my reach. If I’m lucky enough to qualify for a house at all, it’ll be like a trailer on a postage stamp piece of land or a condo that might as well be an apartment complex…. Ew. I grew up in a cabin on acreage and showing horses. You couldn’t even see our neighbors houses, though we did have them and we all got along great. Do I really want to commit to the next 30 years for something that is less than mediocre? I know, I know, it’s all about being positive and making it yours… Yeah, I get it. It’s just nothing I ever imagined for myself. A few years ago I was looking a fancy houses with all the things I wanted and nothing was out of reach, it was simply a matter of timing and picking the right one. Then surgery happened. And everyone wonders why I’m so worried about living in the moment now and not waiting… I swear, you’ll spend your entire life waiting or you’ll die before the time comes. Just go do whatever it is that makes you happy and do it now. I just wish I knew what that was for me… If a home was mine, would I be happy? I could decorate and paint and do whatever project I wanted without having to ask permission. But traveling would bring new sights and I just imagine what all there is to see. Would it be too hard for me? How do you know if you’ve never done it? I have also read about disabled people traveling and they do it, but of course we’re all different people. Different circumstances, different income, different limitations and what not… And of course I worry if I’d be able to hook up a trailer and unhook it as needed. My neighbors who travel six months out of the year tell me I’d never have an issue because campsite staff or friendly neighbors would always be willing to help but if you read this at all then you know I’m pretty independent and stubborn. But I guess what it boils down to is… Does it hurt to try? So you go traveling and decide it’s not for you, is losing some money on a trailer the worst thing in the world? Or would it have been worth it? Is it worth planting roots if it’s not my dream home? Or is it a matter of changing perspective, like they say? I guess at the end of the day, the other option is to continue renting… *Sigh* And what a mess that is. I won’t be able to keep this home come Sept. and I can’t imagine hiring packers and movers again, then trying to uproot and unpack in a new temporary space… I can’t even imagine the daunting search of a new place to live. I did that last year and it was awful. I also did it prior to moving into here and I looked at damn near 100 places. I’m picky, this is true, but the last move was an all out disaster and it’s just so hard on me… I’m feeling rushed and I’m exhausted with life right now. Trust me, I wish I just knew what to do and could be decisive. I wish there wasn’t so many factors to consider. Most of all, I wish I was in a more positive and upbeat mood. Sorry if I’m a downer today. None the less, thanks for reading.