The heart wants what the heart wants

 Well well well. It’s Thursday. You know what that means!?!?!  Tomorrow is Friday and I get to see my kids!!!  They called me to thank me last night for their v-day gifts. I was sooooo blessed to hear their excitement. It’s no secret that the whole day I was thinking about my wife. I was imagining driving by her house and her jumping in my truck. We shared a big kiss and talked about the day that we had. I proclaimed my undying love for her multiple times even though she probably was tired of hearing it. I got to play her a few of my new favorite songs.  She liked some and disliked others. I got to tell her about all of the exciting things that God is doing. I prayed over our meal and then we got to converse about our goals, hopes, fear, failures etc. I don’t think of intimacy much between us because of our situation. I think more of the awesome times that we shared. I think of all of the disappointments that I have caused her. I daydream about her letting go of the past and giving me a genuine hug while letting forgiveness flow into each other like a river of life. I have so many people that encourage me in my quest of bettering myself in order to get my family back. It will be more magnificent than anything on this earth. The “super bowl” won’t have anything on us. The heavens will rejoice at our act of reconciliation. I picture Jesus sitting high on his throne nodding his head saying “finally you two invited me into your marriage and family”. Even today while I was eating dinner at a restaurant the manager she told me “you will get her back”.  As usual, noone within the sound of my voice doesn’t get to hear about my setbacks and my quest to get my family back. I know that it won’t be easy but those things that are great are not easily attainable. I’m feeling anger, depression, fear, addictions etc falling away from me. My prayer for my beautiful bride is that she will experience the same. There is no comparison to living life in freedom. I still have trouble wrapping my mind around my current circumstances. I mean, I’m madly in love with my wife whom I cannot even talk to. Can you imagine the torment!?!? However, Gods promises are “yes” and “amen” to those who believe. My choices are to give up faith or bathe in the comfort and promises of my savior. My soul was my Saviors main priority. He knows my heart and my love for him so he was going to let me walk through whatever needed to get me back into his will. It feels good to know that you are in Gods will. Not gonna lie….. I never would have ever thought that I would have to endure this trial. It almost took my life. God is so faithful. I just want to jump up and down. Currently listening to one of my new faves “way maker”. I’m holding onto the lyrics. They are for me, my wife and everyone else who submits to Christ. I do not know the future. My wife has her own will. She has reminded me of that. However, I am certain that I have what it takes to add value to her life. We could be… I mean “will be” a powerhouse in the kingdom. We will help people who are struggling in relationships. Our testimony will be for the masses. I’m so daggum excited to show the doubters and nay sayers of the world what a Christ centered marriage has the power to do. I must get rid of my bad attitude towards marriage. I must accept that my actions were not becoming of a Godly husband. Actually, I’m going to declare that the restoration in my marriage will be a heart changer for all of the “haters”.  I know, that word is overused, lol. When those people have relation problems they will approach me or my wife and ask for advise. I feel like I am full of advise. There isn’t much that I haven’t walked through. Abusiveness, controlling, alcohol, infidelity, unforgiveness, ANGER, fear, doubt, depression. Many of the spiritual leaders that I look up to have had to walk a rough road. Also, the most passionate Christ followers have a laundry list of failures. God used their shortcomings to propel them into a new dimension. I have a list in my heart of people that I want to reach out to and tell them of God’s goodness, grace and mercy. No more living in shame and darkness!! 

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