Thursday February 15th

My mother called me twice yesterday. Bethany had called her freaking out about moving. Having a meltdown because she is feeling overwhelmed. I don’t understand why she goes to my mother with this stuff. It does hurt my feelings a bit that she doesn’t come to me. She talks to my mother and my sister but not me. I know a lot about real estate in this county. I know a lot about buying houses, but whatever. She didn’t ask me, so I will stay out of it. Fuck it. I am not going to say anything to anyone. I did get triggered during my mother’s first call. She started that shit that “Bethany is just like you. She calls happy one day and screaming crying the next.” I flipped out. I am so sick of my family brushing off my emotions. Ugh! No, Bethany is NOT just like me. She has had near zero trauma in her life and I grew up in a goddam war zone. Bethany is spoiled. I have PTSD. That is not the fucking same thing. I am a walking basketcase. I am done with letting my family make fun of me for my reactions. It is her goddam fault I’m this way and I will not let her make fun of me for it any more. It is not a character flaw on my part. It is how I managed to fucking survive 18 years living with her. How does she not look at her kids and see the truth? All 3 of us are divorced, my sister is on her 3rd marriage, my brother is alone, I am alone. We are seriously fucked up. She doesn’t fucking get it. 

Later, that same day…

I am about to sound like a total bitch. Some of the kids I teach are not smart. And their parents are not smart. Some of the kids I teach act like assholes, and their parents have caused that. I have a girl that can barely read in the 6th grade, and her mother is such an idiot, she won’t try to make the kid behave in school, or realize that by defending her kid’s bad behavior, she is fucking up her future. Ugh. It’s such bullshit. I have to take attitude from 11 year olds that can’t fucking read. Some days I have had it with the whole job. Yesterday, my horrible 7th grade class about made me cry. I just get so sick of asking them to stop talking. They won’t shut the fuck up to learn anything. That’s probably a lot of the reason they are all so low. They never shut the fuck up. I am one of the very most patient teachers I know- honestly, and I know if I’ve reached the end of my rope with them, I can only imagine how most teachers have felt with dealing with them. I day dream about being a nurse or some job where I don’t have to deal with bullshit and backtalk and rude, disrespectful behavior. No one wants to teach at my school because of the horrible behavior. The kids have a revolving door of teachers into and out of the building every year. That only adds to the low academic achievement. I am too old and too close to drawing retirement to change careers at this point in my life. Way too old. That means I’m stuck in education, and since I’m a nobody with no connections, I will be stuck in the mother fucking classroom until I retire. Let’s be real. I’m not black or someone’s relative, so I will never get a promotion in this district. That’s just how it is. My life is such a goddam mess on all fronts. I don’t know what I want. I’ve been thinking about being a foster parent, then maybe even adopting a kid or two. I’ve been thinking about buying a real house- a full size family house. Yesterday, I was once again thinking about trying to focus on myself- making myself look better. Taking better care of myself. You can’t fucking do both. I can’t take care of myself and be a mom. They don’t go together- not when you have a full time job. 

I hate being poor. I hate being alone. I hate that my kids don’t love me more. I hate that my family of origin is such a fucked up mess. I hate that I didn’t get a better education. I feel that this life is just too far off in the ditch to be fixed. 

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