Fantabulous Friday night!!!!!

 So,  I had this spectacular thing happen. I got to see my kids tonight and it is not even my weekend!!!   We all went out to dinner and my oldest wanted to come home with me. I won’t complain but I’ll just say that it would be glorious if one day I get to spend every night with my family. I was fortunate to be a family man for 14 years or so. I made choices that created cancer in my marriage. I also look forward to any time that I get to see my beautiful bride in passing or doing the kid exchange. I’ll never forget making comments when I would see parents exchanging kids in a parking lot. It would break my heart and I would tell myself that it would never happen to me. I could have prevented it. I do live with guilt and that guilt is what has helped to catapult me into making myself a better person. I ask myself….. how does God want me to live my life? I ask myself how I could be a better husband to my wife. These are important questions. We must continually evaluate ourselves. We cannot live forever in a mundane rut just scraping by. This is kinda funny but I always think of those bracelets “WWJD”.  What would Jesus do??  I also look up to my wife so I could say “what would Jenn do”!!  LOL  Especially when it comes to spending money………  what would Jenn do??  I get the bad feeling in my gut sometimes that my wife is enjoying her new found freedom. I see it everyday in peoples lives. When someone has been married a long time they can somehow feel empowered by doing things on their own. I’ll admit, I’m not one of those. I still catch myself turning around to tell my wife something but she is not there. I want to reach my hand over to her leg when I am driving and tell her how much she means to me but she isn’t in my truck with me. I don’t cry like I used to. I am feeling the weight of depression fall off of me. Don’t get me wrong…. my family is always on the forefront of my mind but I am learning to manage it better. I lean onto Gods promises instead of my own understanding.  Lets face it…..  our understanding is only at face value. We only understand what we can see. That is why we must exercise faith. Faith is our greatest and most effective tool at rebuking fear and accepting the unknown. However, as fragile humans, faith is sometimes our last resort. We want to try and manhandle our situations and our future. I literally tried to manipulate my marriage for my benefit. In a way I had good intentions but dang……  I went about it all wrong. I was caught up in a whirlwind out of control. The best thing that ever happened to me was God smacking me around to put me in my place. If he had to use my family leaving as a tool to bring me around then so be it. I accept God’s plan and know that everything that has happened was for my good. Daggum, I wanted to give that woman the world. I wanted to rub her feet and legs forever. I wanted to give her tummy kisses until she fell asleep. Witht he risk of sounding repetitive……..  I often think about the time that she jumped into my lap while I was sitting in my chair. I think about that more than even our intimate moments. I think about the time that she sent me a selfie while I was at work and told me to hurry home. You know what that means. HAHAHA  There is no replacement for a life such as that. I just wish that I had been chasing Jesus as much as I was chasing her and trying to get even with her. We just finished watching “Man on the Moon”. My son had never seen it. He really liked it. Now we are watching a firfighter movie that is really good so far. Argggg, I just want to reach over next to me tell that woman that she is the best thing since Nutella…. oh wait…… she was made before Nutella.  OK, she is the best thing since the invention of air conditioning. OK, that’s better. I want to feel her jerk when she falls asleep and it always scared me. I would always have a mini heart attack when she would jerk and sometimes she farted and grunted at the same time. She is so cute. If Lord willing one day I will get to talk to her. 

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