status.

I’m a National Merit Finalist.

It feels good to say that. It’s good to know I’ve honored my parents, even if it’s not something really big. I didn’t disappoint them.

They now have three out of four children who are Finalists. I hope they’re proud of us.

I’m so relieved. Suck it, insecurity and anxiety!! Fuck you, hell brain!!! In your face, deeply ingrained self hatred!!!! I’m actually not that stupid!!!!! Ha!!!!!!

I’m not the best but I made it this far. I think it was worth it, not killing myself. It was worth it.

Am I still deeply insecure? Absolutely. And I’m still struggling to reconcile with my self loathing and low self esteem. I want to cry so much… I have to wait until the weekend. I’m not even sure what exactly I’m crying about, whether I’m elated or tragically sad. Probably both at the same time, along with other things.

Consider this: I was thinking about committing suicide on Wednesday—no, Tuesday. I was suddenly struck with an enormous and crushing fear, like a tumor, like a balloon, like a giant blueberry from a Wonka factory… I wanted to die!! So much!!! I couldn’t explain it, I couldn’t bring myself out of it. I was simultaneously inflating and crumpling with the feeling. So I looked up what to do on Google… Google has the answers to everything… because suddenly it seemed so painful inside that I couldn’t consider how to go on, why I should go on. It was overwhelming. My search led me to some mental health support articles, and I cried, messy and snotty and disgusting, for ten minutes. I feel weak… I’m not strong enough.

How I ever managed to get here is a mystery, honestly.

Now consider this: I was really happy today and yesterday! My friend JW got accepted into UT, his dream school. I’m so proud of him!

I found my heart on the staircase. I love my friends!!! I got to draw on my teacher’s board again. I got some good grades on tests. I watched cute animal videos.

I also cried for Florida, I thought of the kids who were gone. I tried not to cry too much because I wouldn’t be able to stop. They were so young; they were too young. It was too much. It was such a waste and such a tragedy. The reactions from politicians were too infuriating.

I really want to feel totally okay someday.

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