needs // 2.16.18

dear diary,
last night i got angry at him and made him feel like he had to be defensive when he was being vulnerable. i still feel guilty about it. i look up to him so much. i want to be the best angel i can be for him. it makes me really sad to know that he thinks about comparing himself to exes. he’s the absolute best at everything. evvvvverything. it made me really uncomfortable to tell him that his dick is bigger than theirs.. i still can’t even imagine why he would think about that.. ?!??? before him i didn’t even know sex could be enjoyable. and it’s not even 100% due to the fact that I’m completely in love with him. anyways i said it because he needed to hear it and i didn’t want him to be sad anymore. i need him to be confident for me so he can be assertive and help me. i don’t think he knows how much i need it (the assertiveness, demands, rules, punishments, rewards).. and i didn’t know that i needed that until we talked about it and he started being more dominant. i really really need it to feel safe and secure and protected. when he tells me what to do it makes me so so happy. and horny. i know he won’t be able to do it all the time because he’s sensitive and i don’t want him to feel like he’s forced to just so he can be strong for me. as much as i want it all the time i don’t want to do anything to make this backfire or make him sad. i want him to enjoy it and want it. i’m on the phone with him right now and he’s singing a beach boys song. i think.

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