Undecided

I’ve never been a decisive person.

I’ve always had trouble in what I want out of life. While everyone around me were extremely unequivocal about their passion, I wasn’t. It was like I was a bird whose wings were open and well, but just afraid of falling. Falling into a abyss of sadness, failed- career, heartbreak and just plain misery.

I guess I was so scared of doing so many things, that I just didn’t do it. And the worst feeling than failure, is knowing you had a chance and knowing you can do it, but just not even trying. 

I just feel unknown sadness sometimes, and it sucks. It sucks to see yourself falling behind, but still not doing anything about it. I just don’t know what I want. I want to scream it out and just run away but I’m so scared. I don’t want to, but I am. I’ve heard so many people saying, ‘Oh honey, just follow your heart’. But I don’t know what my fucking heart wants.

I feel like I always write in here when I’m at my weakest. And I’ve being feeling low since past week. And I feel so lonely. I’m an only child and we’re on study break so I can’t even talk to my friends, which is why I hardly ever leave my room. 

I just want to be happy, please. I want to know things, I want to be courageous. I just want to feel. I just want to be happy.

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