unsocialized // 2.17.18

i wonder how different i’d be if i had been more socialized growing up. i always wanted to dance, whether that was gymnastics, ballet, or cheer. i always loved when brittany would come over and spend time with me. that was the best. i specifically remember my favorite christmases being when she would spend the night. even if we were just in the same room doing our own thing. or when savannah would come over to nana’s and we’d play all day. i loved not being alone. and i still do. i just want to play and dance and love. always. i still don’t understand how my parents thought it was a good idea. i wonder if i’d have anxiety as extreme as it is or be as awkward as i am. i wonder if they even thought about it. i don’t think they did. it seemed like they were too caught up in their own lives to spend any time with me. i have no memories of playing with my mom or spending time with her. and i only remember playing gamecube with my dad, but having to beg him to. it feels like i’ve always been alone and i’ve gone through periods of being okay with it, not being okay, and trying my best to avoid thinking about it. 

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