it’s just not safe for people like me to fall in love. because it’s unbelievable how fast my feelings can change, how i can want something so desperately one minute and by the next, i’ll be moving on. chasing something else, chasing someone else. growing up, i was taught to see the good in every situation. and that included seeing the good in every person, even if it was a lot easier to focus on the bad. but now, my feelings have gone wild. i can’t stop loving and wanting and thinking and feeling. i can’t stay happy, i can’t stay committed. what i want never stops changing. it’s always been miserable but i never noticed how dangerous it could be until it started hurting other people. leaving someone, telling them it was because i wasn’t ready for a relationship and then rushing into another one the minute i find something else i liked. it’s addicting. i can’t stop. i can’t stop going out and having fun and meeting new people, and every time i decide to get involved with someone i pray to fucking god that they end up being the one, that i won’t have to hurt them, that i won’t have to hurt myself but every single time, i get bored. it’s as simple as that. it’s like the feelings i had for that person such a short while ago get completely erased out of my mind, i can’t even remember the way they felt but the person i broke sure can. i’m haunted by broken promises, late night phone calls and meaningless “i love yous” because when i want something, i can’t stop until i have it. once i have it, i almost never want it anymore. call me an awful person, go ahead. you wouldn’t be wrong. i have a problem. i don’t know if there’s anyone like me out there, but i haven’t met them yet. i feel so alone, and it’s almost ironic. i surround myself with dozens of people, dozens of heartbreaks. but the truth is, on the inside, i’m lonely. and something needs to change, fast. it’s driving me crazy having to live this way, i don’t know how much more i can handle. i just want to learn how to hold on to what i love. i’m so tired of letting go.

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