his call.

It’s still bizarre sharing a man. 
But also not in the ways you might think. There is no jealously. In fact, the 3 of us have become friends. We hang out, even when Ayato doesn’t plan it out that way. I mean we’re fucking the same guy and we’re all okay with it . . .  there’s a lot we have in common. We;re not all the same. Kristen is truly in love with Ayato, I can see it in her eyes. I feel sorry for her. She’s settling for sharing him because she can’t keep him. Miranda and I are a lot more similar, we both just want to fuck Ayato and do NOT want to be in love with him. of course there’s a story there, but I haven’t asked. and we’re not having crazy threesomes (or foursomes?) like you  might expect. Ayato doesn’t like it. In fact, we each serve a  purpose. without getting too vulgar I’ll stop there. but he likes having options. when we make love he tells me he loves me. I never tell him  I love him. I wonder if he tells the other girls the same. the closest we’ve ever had to a foursome was when we all fell asleep after a movie at his place and shared the same bed. he was sandwiched in the middle, miranda and I at his side, and kristen behind miranda. 

I know this isn’t “right”. I know this is wrong according to conventional standards. but I really don’t give a fuck. I’m not in love with Ayato, I don’t want him but at the same time I am attracted to him, and if he were to drop me tomorrow I would be greatly upset. but if I am honest, I’m still in love with someone else. i hate it. but i can’t seem to stop loving him. ayato is the furthest i could get from him. polar opposite. he called me the other day, i didn’t answer. he didn’t call back. i didn’t return his call. i cried myself to sleep that night. and i had thought i was so strong and i had gotten over him. i hate how weak i am. i hate my stupid fucking heart. 

I don’t understand why I love him so much. maybe its because no one has ever hurt me so badly before. because even after all this time, i just can’t stop dreaming about him. and no matter what i still want the best for him. even in those dark moments when i want to end my life, i just want him to be happy. 

but i digress. things aren’t going so well with my parents either. i have blocked them out just enough that they don’t cut me off. my mom is worried though. i’ve never been the type of girl to never text her mom at least 5 times a day. and now i don’t even return her calls. same goes for my dad. i’m pretty sure they’re planning a ‘surprise’ visit to check up on me. i just don’t wan to see them. i don’t really know why. i have no reason to shut them out, but i just don’t want to see them. i guess i do…. if im honest. i dont want them to know i’m in a relationship where im 1 in 3 of the girlfriends. i dont want them to ask questions. not that i would even answer or reveal any of this stuff. but things can slip. sometimes ayato leaves his clothes over, shoes, etc. if they actually found out i was in a harem-style relationship, i really couldn’t even begin to imagine their relationship. also my grades aren’t the best. my motivation has been lacking. and the biggest reason is because i have been so fuckign depressed. its okay, ive gotten stronger though. 

a note about our boyfriend, he’s actually not an asshole or whatever you might imagine some guy with 3 girlfriends. he’s never manipulated us. he isn’t abusive. he isn’t demanding. he isn’t some patriarchal asshole who wants to make us his sex slaves. we all want to be with him. he wants to be with us. we’re all consenting adults here. the biggest fault i can find in ayato is that he’s got a drinking problem. he drinks a lot. and he drinks every night. sometimes to the point of passing out. he’s not a violent or angry drunk either. he’s an honest drunk. he gets very depressed and i can see a lot of hurt in him. 

i guess we’re all fucked. 

One thought on “his call.”

  1. Holy fuck, what a interesting mess. (not judging) . Kristen is probably in the worst situation because like you said, she actually loves this guy. I think…once you are able to let the other guy go, you’ll also be able to let Ayato go. He seems to be your safety net to avoid letting that other fellow back in your life. But you already knew that.

    Best of luck.

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