Let me walk upon the waters

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

My feet do fail. I had my children today and of course it was awesome!!!  However, when I dropped them off I said my goodbyes. I was hoping that my wife would look my way at least once. I read something earlier today that said the worst feeling in the world is to be in love with someone and they pretty much don’t even care about your existence. Needless to say……. when I drove away my heart sank. I couldn’t even swallow. I have been doing so good at being positive and exercising my faith. Sorry Lord, my feet failed this evening. Fear and hopelessness tried to creep in and take control. I just put my worship music on and praised the one who orders my footsteps and directs my paths. My faith is being tested more than ever. It looks impossible. Not gonna lie. But I keep telling myself that all of the miracles in God’s word always seemed impossible. God knows that I want my family back more than anything. I know this is why he is faithfully putting me through the wine press. Or as some would say “the refining fire”. I sitting here reading things about “divorce-proof your marriage” and “restoring your marriage”. There are some tips and ideas that are helpful but for the most part I have learned these things through disappointment. Something that I have accepted and that is very vital is to love your spouse for who they are. I mean… it’s to the point that I am in love with every part of my wife. Even the flaws. Her flaws used to cause me anxiety but now they kinda turn me on in  a sense. It’s because her flaws are who she is and I am in love with ALL of her!! Let’s not forget that her goodness outweigh her flaws by a zillion pounds. LOL  I just keep examining myself wondering if there is one thing about me that she can bring herself to love. I don’t want to be one of those people that has powerful advise because I went through a divorce. I want to give powerful advice because I AVOIDED divorce. When I went “cat shopping” today with my daughter we were talking about how great it is to be able to hang out together. I told my daughter that I will do everything in my power to reclaim my family so that we can be together every day. I beg for the heavens to open and tell me that I am doing the right thing. Noah built the ark for many years not seeing rain. He followed what God had instructed. In every part of me I feel that God is instructing me to chase after my family. I have divorce court on March 1st. Not sure how I will handle it. I’m hoping that I can get out all of my tears during the drive there. I mean, no man wants his bride (who doesn’t like him) see him cry over her. Would it bring her satisfaction to see me upset and destroyed?? Is there an ounce of her that cares for me?? I do not have any pride. I would humbly tell her everything on my mind and how I feel about her. I know that is what she desires in a spouse but unfortunately she does not desire it with me. I have heard it preached, I have heard the scriptures, I have heard the stories, I have heard the testimonies…….  God is in the business of mending hearts!!  He has surely mended mine and cleansed my mind. Praise you Lord. God never stops working. He is a way maker. God… I need a way made. Thank you for hearing my request. My human hands cannot fix this. I rely on you. I want to be with my family when you split the sky open and take us to your kingdom. AMEN

I’m excited for tomorrow and Wednesday because I get to go to church. Friday I will get to pick up my kids again. I can’t wait!!! Wherever you are or whatever you are doing my beautiful bride…….  just know that I am thinking about you

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