Lost and unsure

After 10 months of not writing here… I am finally back primarily to let what I am containing inside of me. I tried to avoid visiting this platform since, here is where I wrote down all the painful memories I have from the past. I am not sure if it still going to bring me in tears once I re-read any of the entries I kept here. But one thing I am sure of is, I am in my low point of life right now. I am beyond sad and not contented of how my life is doing, that’s why I want to note it down. An unacceptable habit of mine that I should need to improve of,  considering I am only writing  down  the things that hurts me most and what about the things that made me happy. 

To be honest I am scared of guessing what might my future will be come. I am a 30 years old women, with a job I am not passionate about, no savings and totally dependent to my parents.  I am in a point were in I splurge a lot so hard about material things and experiences (travel), that’s why I often end up being broke most of the time. 

I am also single and being alone at the age of 30 alarms me. I know there is nothing wrong about being single as long as you’re happy but that’s the thing I am seldom happy. Most of the time I do self loathing, I hurt myself/my feelings by comparing my life to others. Probably I am pressured about the people in my circle, no not exactly. I am pressured about the people in general as long as I can see there is some progress in their life. Just like the You-tubers I am following now I can see them buying their own cars, houses and having their own business. My friends or relatives planning their weddings already together with their partner, the guy I dated before and the reason why I have so many hurtful entries here settled down and is going to be a father to his first child (I even wished to have a child to him before). But yeah, going back to my original dilemma it’s like I can see these people having a concrete plan to their lives, while I am here confuse and still don’t know what I wanted in life. 

Are there someone like me also? Or am I the only one dealing with this kind of problem? 

 

– J

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