Lost and unsure

After 10 months of not writing here… I am finally back primarily to let what I am containing inside of me. I tried to avoid visiting this platform since, here is where I wrote down all the painful memories I have from the past. I am not sure if it still going to bring me in tears once I re-read any of the entries I kept here. But one thing I am sure of is, I am in my low point of life right now. I am beyond sad and not contented of how my life is doing, that’s why I want to note it down. An unacceptable habit of mine that I should need to improve of,  considering I am only writing  down  the things that hurts me most and what about the things that made me happy. 

To be honest I am scared of guessing what might my future will be come. I am a 30 years old women, with a job I am not passionate about, no savings and totally dependent to my parents.  I am in a point were in I splurge a lot so hard about material things and experiences (travel), that’s why I often end up being broke most of the time. 

I am also single and being alone at the age of 30 alarms me. I know there is nothing wrong about being single as long as you’re happy but that’s the thing I am seldom happy. Most of the time I do self loathing, I hurt myself/my feelings by comparing my life to others. Probably I am pressured about the people in my circle, no not exactly. I am pressured about the people in general as long as I can see there is some progress in their life. Just like the You-tubers I am following now I can see them buying their own cars, houses and having their own business. My friends or relatives planning their weddings already together with their partner, the guy I dated before and the reason why I have so many hurtful entries here settled down and is going to be a father to his first child (I even wished to have a child to him before). But yeah, going back to my original dilemma it’s like I can see these people having a concrete plan to their lives, while I am here confuse and still don’t know what I wanted in life. 

Are there someone like me also? Or am I the only one dealing with this kind of problem? 

 

– J

2 thoughts on “Lost and unsure”

  1. i’ll pray that things get better for you and that you find plenty of things in life to be passionate about. keep your head up girl!

  2. Hi MissMels, I maybe a few months late to answer but I still want to thank you for leaving a comment here that lightens my day. As of right now, I am no longer experiencing this situation, thankfully. I am finally became understanding and accepting about the things that challenges me whether it’s good or bad.

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