Monday February 19th

I am back from Gatlinburg. I had a good time. We played a game last night and I laughed so much. It was great to really laugh- not just the fake laugh I do all the time. I hate it that I do that fake laugh. I had that on my 43 things list to quit doing back when 43 things was a web site. I never stopped being depressed or feeling sad, but for a few moments, I did have fun. I know that laughing was good for me. I haven’t done much since I got home. I washed my clothes, but I spent most of the day on the couch watching ER. I also watched the movie The Big Sick. It was good- cute- well done. I liked it. I watched it because I heard them talking about it on NPR this past week. I drank a ton of beer Saturday and last night. I had a headache both days. I have felt bad- just headachy all day today. My stomach has been somewhat upset, but that’s likely due to the fact that I ate everything in sight yesterday. It’s really hard coming home to an empty house. All my friends got to go home to their kids and husbands. I am alone. 

I have just recently discovered something about myself. I manipulate. That’s a strategy I use to manage my mother. I manipulate her- I manipulate others sometimes as well, and I’ve done it since I was a child. That was one of my survival strategies. I need to stop doing it now. That is something I will talk to my therapist about when I see her next time. I am going to chill out and not stress about these last 66 days of school I will do what I can do and to hell with the rest of it. I am going to watch the web site daily and apply for jobs when I see them. I am now FB friends with the lady that’s over the homebound teachers, so maybe I will have a better shot for one of those jobs. 

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